Posts Tagged ‘STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM’

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Mini Post: Sticky Fingers

December 31, 2013

Septim_Skyrim

Since my Dovahkiin challenge is going terribly, I’ll reminisce about my time in the previous installment.

Making money is hard in Oblivion.

Maybe it’s because you constantly need to buy things (unlike Skyrim, which when you get to a certain point, you don’t really need to spend any dough because you basically have everything you need).

Because I’m impatient and really want a horse/house/cool armor as soon as I start the game, I resort to stealing petty things, like potions and books.

…Then I realized I needed to start the Thieves’ Guild quest first. Damn it.

I actually found that joining the other guilds let you have free access to silverware, so I’d steal a vase here and there, some goblets then run down the street just so I could sell them off for maybe 2 or 3 septims each.

After I ran out of silverware, it was back to the Thieves’ quest. Once I got a fence to sell to, I decided some heists would help out. The jewelry shop in Imperial City was a favourite hot spot of mine–break in in the dead of night, open all the cases I could (before I ran out of lockpicks…’cause damn, in Oblivion they’re way harder to find than in Skyrim!), and just basically steal all that gold and shit. Hell yeah.

Red Diamond Jewelry (Image Credit: UESP Wiki)

Red Diamond Jewelry (Image Credit: UESP Wiki)

But the jewelry store took awhile to restock so I had to find other places to rob.

One night, I realized maybe being a robber wasn’t my forte.

I had broken into this store (also in Imperial City, I think it was the weapons shop if I recall properly). I had successfully looted all the axes and bows I could carry, but the value just didn’t seem like it was enough.

I decided to check up stairs. Maybe they had a safe in their bedroom?

My greedy little fingers worked the lock with much difficulty. Pick after pick broke. Finally, when I was about to give up I tapped the last pin into place and–

The door opened.

I reminded myself to go in and out as quickly as possible. I took off my shoes to be more sneaky, and entered.

“Bark bark!”

Oh fuck.

Of course I’m not that smart so I tried a invisibility spell and hide in the corner but it was a bit too late to that. The owner of the shop ran outside and the next thing I know I got a guard in front of me calling me criminal scum while a dog tries to hump my leg. True story.

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Foiled by a dog. Goddamn it.

Guess it’s back to silver utensils…

(Sorry this post is so shit–Happy New Year~!!)

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Mini Post: LOOK AT ME!!

August 31, 2013
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Image Source: dorkly.com

Why is that every time you want a character to notice you doing something…they never actually look?!

Lately in between doing the Thieves’ Guild quest (yes I’m still working on that), I’ve been kind of working on and off to get the easy achievements I’m still missing (Pick 50 locks, etc.) I decided to work on the Master Criminal Achievement because why not…it’s the one where you need to get 1000 gold bounty and all nine holds.

Well…I decided to do this on my “good” character. I didn’t want to go on a murderous rampage, and I’m not sure what I can steal that would make an easy 1000 bounty, so I decided to do the next best thing…turn into a werewolf in front of someone.

…Except every time I did it…THEY NEVER FUCKING LOOKED.

I’d walk right up to a guard, they’d look at me sand say. “What. Let me guess. Someone stole your sweetroll?” and I’d be like, “Yeah! And I’m really fucking MAD!!” and go RAWWWR straight into hairy beast mode…Only to find out they looked away during mid transformation, so I didn’t get the bounty for actually being seen. And of course, they happen to turn back after and try to kill me, so I have to flee the city and wait to change back. Super annoying.

…Then I just realized I could just go into a tavern and transform. Even that didn’t always work.

Eventually I thought I got all 9 holds once I transformed in Windhelm.

…Nope.

“WTF!!” I screamed as the achievement was still locked. I checked the stats page…all holds had 1000 gold bounty or more. I wondered if I need to have EXACTLY 1000 in each hold.

…Well turns out the page didn’t list Haafingar (Solitude) for some reason. I traveled to the place, did a little Thieves’ Guild mission before I got in trouble, then burst into the Blue Palace, screamed “LOOK AT ME!!” as I tore off my clothes and grew a lotta hair right in front of the throne room. “I used to be an adventurer like you then I–OH GOD KILL IT!! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!”

achievementOf course, let’s just remember all the other times a guard or stupid kid sneaks up behind you just when you’re about to pull off the perfect murder/heist…

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…I should have just FUS RO DAH’d everyone to Oblivion and beyond.

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Hail Sithis!

March 1, 2012

“What is life’s greatest illusion?” …Uh, the one were you saw the lady in half? DOES ANYONE ELSE NOT LOVE THE DOOR’S DARK WHISPER-Y VOICE?

So, I just finished the Dark Brotherhood questline this week. It’s been pretty fun (and a bit annoying annoying at times), I’ve definitely learned a few tricks to be more “stealth-like” and how to carry out the perfect assassination.

…I’ve also learned how quickly shit can hit the fan.

The following contains spoilers for the entire Dark Brotherhood questline.

Read the rest of this entry ?

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Thievery & You

February 11, 2012

Cheese, cheese, cheese. I love cheese. Cheese for me and none for you!

I’ll admit, I’m a bit of a button masher. I get impatient to get quests to move on quickly if I’m caught up in the middle of the action. Which, sometimes, equals accidental thievery.

For example, I’ll walk into a store, any store really, doesn’t matter if it’s Skyrim or Oblivion. The storekeeper greets me with a hello (or an insult, depending on who it is exactly), and asks what I’d like today. I run up to his table and press “A”.

Cup has been added to your inventory.

“GUARDS!! THIEF!!” He screams bloody murder.

Wait, what?!

You are over-encumbered.

“I’M SORRY!!” I scream, throwing the cup across the room and a few extra cheap items that I didn’t know I had or needed in hopes of forgiveness. “IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!”

“STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!”

Fack.

And all the items I meant to steal get taken away from me as well. ALL BECAUSE I ACCIDENTALLY  GRABBED A CUP, WHICH, BY THE WAY, I GAVE BACK AS SOON AS I REALIZED.

Of course, that obviously isn’t good enough and you either pay the court a fine or rot in jail.

You know, shopkeepers, maybe it would be a lot more helpful IF YOU DIDN’T STACK ALL YOUR SHIT ON THE COUNTER IN FRONT OF YOU, SO I CAN ACTUALLY CLICK ON YOU AND NOT THAT SHIT ASS IRON DAGGER.

Also…I wasn’t aware it was customary for shop owners to leave their gold lying around everywhere. I mean, really?! And that’s like the EASIEST shit to take, because gold is gold and guards can’t tell the difference between your gold and your recently “acquired” gold.

(Also, is it safe if you store your stolen stash on your follower? Do they take it off of him/her as well when you get arrested…?)

So, yeah.

And I’m not just talking about The Elder Scrolls series either, this shit happens in other Bethesda games, too (does it happen in Morrowind also? I’ve never played it, help me out here!). Fallout 3 and New Vegas…

In the wasteland, you steal shit, you get your head blown off. That’s it, no questions asked. There are no guards, at least, none that I can remember in Fallout 3, except maybe Rivet City (had to look up the name, it’s been a long time since I’ve played, heh), and in New Vegas, on the strip…and even then, they just blow your head off. So either way, you end up with your brains splattered against the wall.

BUT…

When I do want to steal, I find the stores in Skyrim to be absolutely pathetic. I break in, and find there’s hardly anything really WORTH taking and bringing all the way back to Riften to sell to the fence. At least, in Whiterun it’s been like that…I’ll have to try other places later.

Oblivion was nice for stealing…well, the jewelry store was, anyway. 😀

Plus, it always helps having Detect Life when you’re a thief, so you know if someone’s coming and if you’re about to get busted or not. (Or, alternatively, in Skyrim, just do the ol’ “bucket on the head” thing. Usually works, unless they have a magic force field around there head that sends it flying…what? It did happen… Just make sure not to accidentlly take the bucket instead of carrying it.)

Also fuck those guard dogs in Imperial City.

Back to Skyrim…

I did break into that alchemy dealer in Whiterun a few days ago, and snuck around as a cat burglar, stealthy as can be, raided all the ingredients (making potions from stolen items doesn’t make the potion counted as stolen, yay!) and potions I could carry. And then, as I’m about to grab some ice wraith teeth and a potion of minor healing I hear…

“We sell all kinds of alchemy ingredients and agents!”

Spinning around as quick as I can, I scanned the floor for any movement. Nothing. Then I realized the crazy bitch was talking to herself on the second floor. So I continued to steal, all the while listening to her brag about her shop full of items.

Not anymore, sister, not anymore!

Also, sorry if I stole a goddamn cheese wheel, Ulfric. The sweetroll wasn’t considered stolen, so I thought the cheese was okay, too. I guess you just really like your cheese, huh? Regardless, I’m not paying a fine, nor going to jail, because I have about 40 other stolen cheese wheels (among other things), and I don’t want to put the effort to get them back from you guys. See ya!!

“Let me guess…someone stole your sweetroll.”

Nah, nope. I do the sweetrolling stealing around here, baby.

Delicious.

Image Credit: Unknown source.

By the way, I suck at pickpocketing. Stupid keys for stupid doors that need the stupid key. Stupid… (grumbles)

Next Post: Glutton for Punishment

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“Wait…I know you.”

February 10, 2012

...Shit. Nope, no you don't...

Oh, guards.

At least, unlike in Oblivion, they give you some warning. I remember so many times, I’d just rob shit in Cyrodiil, run away, ride away on Shadowmere on my merry way, and then, all of a sudden…

(camera whips away)

“STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM!!”

"You violated my mother."

Oh sh–

And, in Oblivion, it was literally kinda almost impossible to do anything in any of the major cities, because these guys would just arrest your shit right on sight. Also, they seem pretty observant…or I’m just a terrible opportunist thief.

(Alas, I am also pretty bad at lockpicking…at least, when escaping jail. FFFFUUUU–)

It’s not like they’re exactly hard to sneak by or anything…they just seem to pop out of nowhere when you least expect it, like they’re watching over your shoulder or something and they just know, almost as if they can smell your stolen goods. And at least it’s fairly easy to get back your stolen shit out of those “evidence” chests. Hurrah.

Skyrim, it’s a tad different.

You get a bounty, and the guards stop you and ask you to either pay it, or serve your time. Now, you can do those two things, or, if you’re like me who tends to save up more stolen goods than you should be…you can just run. Fast. Away. Go. GO!

(Also, having a mount helps to make a faster getaway. Yay, mounts!!) 😀

…You come back later, totally forgetting about said bounty and one of these two things happen.

1) They kind of walk by you and pause with the, “Wait…I know you.”

or,

2) Just attack you on sight, if you’re bounty’s high enough.

Whenever Option 1 happens, I just run from them. XD I learned my lesson the first time when I went to talk to them after they said it, vainly thinking they meant they recognized my awesomness as Thane of Whiterun, or perhaps the fact that I’m Dragonborn! 😀

Me: “Yeeeess?”

Guard: “There’s a warrant out for your arrest…”

Me: “Faaack.”

And then you can just run away and repeat the cycle all over again. Huzzah.

Getting your stuff back in Skyrim isn’t exactly hard either, which is nice. Just be like…”Bitch, I’m SUPPOSED to be here,” and the guards are like, “Okay, cool”, which is just basically:

I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.

(…But they seem like they do, because I had no idea they’d actually go through the trouble of following me into a dungeon of all things…geez, when are you going to call it quits already?!)

As quoted by my good pub friend…

"The security in Whiterun is terrible. Shameful, is what it is."

Amen, brother. Amen.

Sinmir: (clap, clap)

Guard: “You have commited crimes against Skyrim and her people…”

…Shit.

Image Credits: The Elder Scrolls Wiki, UESP Wiki

(I’ll edit this later to add more clarity. Until then…)