Posts Tagged ‘Sam Guevenne’

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Mini Post: Naked Courier Service

June 12, 2012

So, I was itching for another dragon fight and wandering around dragon hot spots like I usually do, when I was stopped by this…

“OH, HAY THAR. I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOUUU~~”
(Image Source: skyrimglitches.tumblr.com)

Well, actually, all I saw was a naked man running towards me, so my initial reaction was to back away…slowly…

“Oh hey, I have a letter for you.”

…A courier?!

A NAKED COURIER?!

WTF?

Did…did I or some bandits have some past run in with you and stole all your belongings or something…? Or were you at that drinking party I had with Sam Guevenne or what…?

“A letter. Won’t say who he was. Just that he’s a friend of yours.”

Yeah, yeah. I’ll take the letter. Now why are you naked? Is this a special telegram service or something and you’ll start giving me a Nord-style lap dance or something, buddy?

“Well, that’s it. Gotta go. Important deliveries to make.”

MORE LIKE IMPORTANT CROTCH THRUSTS, AMIRITE?!

Well, apparently this is a pretty common glitch, so that naked courier is really making the rounds, huh?

HOOOOOOO~~

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The Top 10 Most Annoying Enemies of Skyrim

February 4, 2012

Okay, okay. I know I was going to name this “The Enemies that Usually Kill Me” or whatever, but this is pretty much same the same thing.

Anyway, these count under my first character’s playthrough, the difficulty of enemies might vary with a different play style.

10. Dragons

See, dragons have this nasty habit of showing up when you really don’t particularly want or need them to. When I started out in the game, I was itching to battle dragons all the time. Now, when I’m fighting mages or bandits or other shit, poof, an Elder Dragon. FUCK OFF, I’M BUSY. They’re not too had to kill, at least when I played on Adept for my first playthrough, but it also depends on your armor and the way you attack them.

9. Skeevers

Skeevers aren’t particularly hard to beat, unless you’re just starting out the game, but geez, these mother fuckers are as fast as hell. They tend to jump you by surprise, and run around you, biting you before you can turn fast enough to retaliate. I especially HATE them coming upwards on winding stairs.

8. Sabre Cat

Like a boss.

These cats have a habit of taking you by surprise and saying hello with a quick swipe of their claws. They’ll often leave the prey they’re chasing if they manage to spot you. While not difficult to kill, I’m not very fond of a ninja cat this size…

7. Ice Wraiths

At first, these things annoyed the hell out of me and sent me into panic mode (i.e., holy fuck, I need to run as fast as hell or I’m gonna die), but once I learned dual casting flames spell, these guys got a lot easier to kill. Even while sneaking in the mountains, these guys are quite difficult to spot as they blend in quite well with their surroundings.

6. Draugr

They’re not exactly difficult to kill per say, but sometimes they swarm in numbers. Coupled with the shouting ability, they are annoying, especially when overwhelmed by them (I had this problem a lot during the quest, The World-Eater’s Eyrie). Usually I use the Aura Whisper shout, spot them before they spot me, and I take them out with one shot from my bow.

5. Thalmor

They just kind of pissed me off when I first ran into them. I asked them about Talos and they immediately labeled me as a heretic…so, to defend myself…I killed them. 🙂 I started doing this over and over after that, mainly because I can harvest their clothing and armor. 😀 Once they said they were going to eliminate the Nord race, I immediately went into rage mode and just kill them as soon as I see them now.

4. Chaurus

I was lucky, only running into these guys once during the main quest. There were a lot of them, but because I was running low on health, I avoided them as much as possible. They’re creepy looking and really annoying.

3. Mages/Hagravens

I cannot tell you how much I fucking hate mages. Of all the times I died in this game, 70% of the time it was due to fucking mages. Conjurers, Summoners, whatever. I think I just have a natural weakness to magic or something. I especially hate it when they constantly heal themselves. Do they ever run out of magic?! The Conjurers are annoying because they summon Frost Atronachs constantly, but the good thing is if you kill the Conjurer they go away. A Night to Remember‘s quest was especially annoying in this sense. God. At least in the beginning of the game, my werewolf fear shout was strong enough to make them cower in fear and stop attacking so I could just claw them and eat them to death, but alas, that no longer works. So I’ll say this again: I hate mages.

2. Wisps & The Wisp Mother

Pretty, but deadly.

…The first time I ran into a wisp, I followed it like an idiot, unsure of what it actually was. Then all of a sudden it was like, “HOLY SHIT, WISPS EVERYWHERE!!”, and wow, they started kicking my ass almost immediately. It also doesn’t help when the Wisp Mother starts summoning additional Shades, so it definitely is a good idea to take her out as soon as possible before you end up with a whole army of wisps in front of you. I still haven’t figured out how to kill them fast enough, perhaps I should look that up…Thankfully, I haven’t run into them very often!

1. Dwarven Automatons

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU!! Basically sums up my first reaction to meeting these, especially the spheres. They just take awhile to chip down their health, at least, at the level I was at. Plus, with the spiders and the spheres, it usually equals a deadly attack. Too fast, too fast! Centurions weren’t too bad, because they were mega slow. At least now, I know they’re immune to ice attacks, but at least, with a good double cast of sparks, they can overcharge quite easily.

Image Credits: UESP Wiki, The Elder Scrolls Wiki

2/13/12 Edit: Also bears. Fuck bears.

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The Most Inopportune Moments

February 2, 2012

Why does weird shit always seem to happen here?

I had my main character, Lilian, fast travel to the city of Winterhold. As I began walking through the snow covered streets, I heard a roar from above and thought, “Great.” Above, a dragon circled a few times before landing just in front of me. As I readied my sword, the dragon hit me with a blast of ice breath. I began to raise my shield to defend…

“Here, this came for you.”

A courier entered dialogue with me as I was getting assaulted by this dragon onslaught. Momentarily caught off guard, I paused a moment thinking…”WTF are you doing here?!” I mashed the B button to exit dialogue as quickly as I could, and got my letter (which I forgot to read for a long while after that…you see, I had more important things to occupy my time at the moment). As I readied my bow to hit the dragon who had flown back into the sky, I heard a scream from behind me.

“I’m getting out of here!!” screamed the courier.

“You should have done that in the first place!!” I yelled.

After Marcurio and I downed the dragon and looted a few dead guard bodies, we walked past the courier again, who seemed perfectly back to normal. “Nope. Sorry. Nothing.” He said to us.

We looked at him for a moment.

“Nope. Sorry. Nothing.”

We began walking towards the college.

“Nope. Sorry. Nothing.”

I almost wish the dragon had ate him. But you have to admit, they really go all out of their way to get some letters delivered. Only a Skyrim courier can get the job done right.

I'll give you a goddamn arrow in the knee...

It happened again a little while later.

A blood dragon had attacked the farms outside of Whiterun. By myself this time, I began to take down the dragon (carefully) by firing as much arrows into its scaly hide as much as possible. Eventually, the dragon ended up close enough to have citizens and farmers running, and attracted the attention of the city’s guards.

“Die dragon!!” they yelled as they fired their bows and arrows.

“Slay it! Slay the dragon!!” they screamed as they ready their swords and charged to the beast. Nothing phased them, not even the screams from the people around them, nor the sight of one of their fellow comrades becoming the dovah’s latest chew toy. Thankful for the help, I began hitting the dragon with all I had. We managed to dwindle down the dragon’s health two-thirds of the way before it began readying to take off again.

“Not so fast, you damned dragon!!” I screamed. I filled the air in my fictional character’s lungs and shouted…

“FUS RO DAH!!”

The dragon recoiled from the hit with a roar, but took off regardless. As I followed the dragon with my bow, ready to fire, my character yelped from a sudden hit from behind. I turned to see a whole army of Whiterun guards coming at me with their swords drawn. “What the hell?!” I yelled.

Running low on health and pretty sure I was going to die, I had no choice but to yield and hope they wouldn’t take me to jail. I had apparently hit them with my Thu’um accidently.

“You have committed crimes against Skyrim and her people. What say you in your defense?”

A roar from the distance.

I sighed. “Fine. You caught me. I’ll pay the bounty.” Which, by the way, was 40 gold.

“Smart woman. Now come along with me. We’ll take any stolen goods you have and you’ll be free to go. After you pay the fine, of course.” Smug bastard.

When I left Dragonsreach and ran as fast as I could to get outside of the city’s gates once more, it was too late, the dragon was gone.

Fuck.

I raged for awhile after that.

Kharjo and I were walking towards a dungeon I had previously cleared, but had not looted properly because I became over-encumbered. I brought him along to act as another storage container.

Again, a dragon arrived, an ice dragon this time, and it landed in front of me, blowing snow and dirt in my face. As I readied for the attack, it hit me with a blast of ice. Hiding behind my shield, I waited for the attack to cease. Suddenly, the camera flipped over to somewhere to my left, and an Argonian stood beside me.

“You and Sam owe me 10,000 gold.”

What the fuck?!

Not really giving a shit what this guy had to say, I skipped through his dialogue and exited, and he began attacking me. Not giving much of a shit but finding him still somewhat irritating, I sheathed my weapons anyway (the dragon was airborne at this time).

He sheathed his weapons as well. “You are not worth it,” he says as he began walking away. Then the dragon landed and promptly ate that son of a lizard.

And that, my friends, was the end of Deep-In-His-Cups.

Image credits: UESP Wiki, Elder Scrolls Wiki.

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