Posts Tagged ‘rant’

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Mini Post: LOOK AT ME!!

August 31, 2013
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Image Source: dorkly.com

Why is that every time you want a character to notice you doing something…they never actually look?!

Lately in between doing the Thieves’ Guild quest (yes I’m still working on that), I’ve been kind of working on and off to get the easy achievements I’m still missing (Pick 50 locks, etc.) I decided to work on the Master Criminal Achievement because why not…it’s the one where you need to get 1000 gold bounty and all nine holds.

Well…I decided to do this on my “good” character. I didn’t want to go on a murderous rampage, and I’m not sure what I can steal that would make an easy 1000 bounty, so I decided to do the next best thing…turn into a werewolf in front of someone.

…Except every time I did it…THEY NEVER FUCKING LOOKED.

I’d walk right up to a guard, they’d look at me sand say. “What. Let me guess. Someone stole your sweetroll?” and I’d be like, “Yeah! And I’m really fucking MAD!!” and go RAWWWR straight into hairy beast mode…Only to find out they looked away during mid transformation, so I didn’t get the bounty for actually being seen. And of course, they happen to turn back after and try to kill me, so I have to flee the city and wait to change back. Super annoying.

…Then I just realized I could just go into a tavern and transform. Even that didn’t always work.

Eventually I thought I got all 9 holds once I transformed in Windhelm.

…Nope.

“WTF!!” I screamed as the achievement was still locked. I checked the stats page…all holds had 1000 gold bounty or more. I wondered if I need to have EXACTLY 1000 in each hold.

…Well turns out the page didn’t list Haafingar (Solitude) for some reason. I traveled to the place, did a little Thieves’ Guild mission before I got in trouble, then burst into the Blue Palace, screamed “LOOK AT ME!!” as I tore off my clothes and grew a lotta hair right in front of the throne room. “I used to be an adventurer like you then I–OH GOD KILL IT!! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!”

achievementOf course, let’s just remember all the other times a guard or stupid kid sneaks up behind you just when you’re about to pull off the perfect murder/heist…

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…I should have just FUS RO DAH’d everyone to Oblivion and beyond.

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Mini Post: Where the Hell Are You Going?!

February 28, 2013

So it’s not much of a secret I haven’t been playing much Skyrim lately, or Oblivion for that matter, so I’ve been a bit dry on updates here.

Well, I got one.

It’s not a big one but it’s a post.

I recently picked up Oblivion again for a bit, hoping to familiarize myself with the controls so I could start seriously playing again. I found myself in the arcane tower in Imperial City, having no idea what quest I was on and why I was there.

Basically, I ended up leaving the city, grabbed my horse and road off to the south. What was supposed to be a scenic adventure didn’t last long.

I was first ambushed by a spriggan. Fine, kill that. Then immediately afterward I got punched in the face by a frost atronach, conjured by some asshole hobo wizard. I awkwardly whipped out my sword, hit him half a million times (my demon horse did all the work of course), and cried triumphantly as I killed him, got some frost salts and waited for my health to slowly regenerate from my state of near-death.

Phew. I am such a tough ass warrior chick. Kicking ass.

“Oh, there you are! It’s time to go into the Imperial Castle! Follow me!”

What?

I turn around it’s a redguard that I don’t even remember holding a torch and beckoning me to follow. What quest is he from?!

“Who the hell are you again?!” I asked by he ignored me obviously, again beckoned me to follow and set off along his merry way back to where I just came from.

Alright. Guess I’m going this way.

I ran up to him to catch up (it was like three steps, really) and followed him.

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…He walks about 10 steps a minute.

What the fuck.

Getting impatient, I jump on my horse and ride ahead slightly, thinking it might be like Skyrim and the NPCs will just catch up to you. I mean, I’m going the right direction anyway, I didn’t get very fair from Imperial City, so it’s not like I didn’t know the way back.

About a minute into riding, I turn around and wait for him to catch up.

He never showed up.

I began riding back and he’s FUCKING STANDING WHERE I LEFT HIM MOTIONING ME TO FOLLOW. I go behind him and suddenly he starts walking again.

It was then I realized I had to stay RIGHT BEHIND HIM THE WHOLE DAMN WAY BACK.

Great.

So, basically what I did is set the auto-walk on Oblivion, and loosely held the mouse in place as I ate some cookies.

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DON’T YOU FUCKING BECKON ME, ASSHOLE!

IT TOOK 20 MINUTES TO GET BACK TO THE CITY.

So, we get in the city and guess what?

We’re still walking as slow as dicks.

Goddamn.

“C’mon, this way!”

Holy shit.

To be honest I don’t even know where we ended up. I eventually got bored wasting my one hour of gaming time waiting for this ass to get lost and troll me stupid.

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THE EVENTS OF SKYRIM WILL HAPPEN BEFORE WE GET THERE.

Honestly riding with Martin and his lackey took much less time. At least it was interesting.

In Skyrim they don’t really have this issue, you can leave the NPC behind, get to the destination before them and they’ll haul ass just to catch up to you.

Unless you’re Irileth, Jarl Balgruuf’s housecarl, who tends to run off in a completely different direction than the tower you’re supposed to be killing your first dragon at, the five guards all behind her blindly following before turning a 180 and running back in the right direction. I mean, WTF?

And seriously, what IS up with people in Skyrim saying half a sentence before exciting or entering a building and leaving you hanging?

“Not many visitors here in Riv–” (disappears through door)

Funny though. At least they don’t waste any time.

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Revenge of the Ancients

December 12, 2012
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Image Credit: njaall.tumblr.com

So during my usual adventuring through the mystical province of Skyrim, I managed to collect enough junk to almost be over-encumbered, so I headed back to my home in the mountains, my stone house in Markarth. I no longer kept any followers, mainly because J’Zargo died on me like seventy times during a pretty weak bandit attack, so I kind of got tired of picking up after dead people so I basically had to haul ass by myself. I mean, now I was pretty much a target without any decoys to back me up, but hey, it’s not like they were much use to me anymore.

So anyway, back to traveling back to Markarth, I was just outside the city and riding up on my trusty steed. I dismounted by the stables and casually walked up to the gate.

ROOOOOAAARRR

The ground shook violently and a dark shadow swooped overhead. I looked up to see a dragon–just not ANY dragon, an Ancient dragon, so I brought out my soon-to-be-retired glass bow, Odin, and readied it as I waited for the dragon to fly closer again.

He didn’t.

Basically he flew around the mountains for 10 minutes while I fruitlessly tried to fire arrows into his scaly hide.

Getting kind of dizzy spinning around for no good reason, I said “fuck it” and went into the city. And went back out again.

Roar, dragon.

Still didn’t come down.

Fuck.

Back into the city. He’s still roaring.

Outside. Dragonrend.

Doesn’t even hit him.

So I went to go drop off my junk loot and came back out later.

He still didn’t come down.

I said, fuck this, and basically turned off the XBOX in disappointment and called it a night.

I loaded it up the next day and the bitch finally landed, breathing fire in my face.

Okay, bitch. Now it’s time to eat some arrows. Thanks for finally landing, fucking finally.

He took a bite out my head and tossed me a like a rag doll.

…Fuck me.

A little while later, running around in the College of Winterhold, trying to do the Conjuration quest for the unbound Daedra thing so I could make my epic bow, I was running between buildings to grab things. After completing the quest and getting to keep the Sigil Stone, I left the Hall of Countenance with Marcurio (for some reason I can’t remember I brought him along as my pack mule). Now, sometimes during the loading screens that can take upwards of 2 minutes on a bad day, I go grab a glass of water and leave the game, so when I come back it would be finished loading and I could just resume play as soon as I returned.

Big.

Big.

Mistake.

So I come back and basically everyone outside the College is going fucking nuts. It took me a few seconds to realize what was going on, but I guess turning my character 90 degrees right into the face of an Ancient Dragon certainly gave me a clue. I guess it was due to reflexes or maybe the fact Marcurio distracted the big brute that I practically dived behind a stone pillar and barely escaped getting my ass roasted (I swear if it was real life, the edges of my armor would have been singed.

That fight was basically hide behind pillars every 20 seconds to avoid being burned to death, then waiting for Marcurio to run up to the dragon like a moron so I could fire arrows into its ass.

Yep. Just a typical day.

The last encounter I had was fairly anti-climatic, mainly due to the fact I can’t remember much about it. I remember traveling near a dragon’s lair and wondering if a dragon would re-spawn there, but I didn’t see one, so I continued on my merry way.

Of course, who comes out of no where AND PRACTICALLY LANDS ON TOP OF ME? (Oh wait…he did.)

YOU GUESSED IT.

AN ANCIENT DRAGON, OF COURSE.

HOLY SHIT, FUCK OFF ALREADY.

HOLY SHIT, FUCK OFF ALREADY!

HOLY SHIT WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

Keep in mind this all happened within the span of two days playing, or approximately 8 hours or so. Never had I had top-level dragons just randomly drop from the sky (or never leave it…AHEM MARKARTH DRAGON) so much as I did then.

Oh yeah, and this one apparently was glowing green or something, so I think it was attacked by a Spriggan beforehand because I’ve never seen that happen before.

…So I started making some weird sub-plot in my game where someone is controlling the Ancients and they’re dead-set on killing me.

HMMMMMM.

Also happy 12/12/12, guys. 😛

Image Credits: njaall, unknown (If anyone recognizes the last image, please let me know where they’re from so I can give proper credit!).

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Short, But Not So Sweet

August 28, 2012

So, about a week ago, I was walking along near Windhelm, where I somehow lost my follower Illia along the way. Thinking nothing of it, I continue on, knowing she’ll probably catch up eventually.

I spotted Aela in the distance, fighting a mammoth. Deciding to help her out like a good shield-sister does, we slay the beast together.

Then this happened.

What.

What…

WHAT IS THIS, I DON’T EVEN–

After they go fight a bunch of horkers, I reload a slightly earlier save in fear that this massive glitch might have fucked things up somewhere else. Apparently, it didn’t.

About a hour and a half later with Illia, slaying dragons and shit, I relax in the Windhelm bar. Which by the way…I’m not exactly sure if this only happens in my game or not, but the barmaid…sings an interesting interpretation of “Age of Oppression”…

YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

“We drink to our youth, and to days come and gone. For the age of oppression is now nearly done.
“We’ll drive out the Empire from this land that we own. With our blood and our steel we will take back our home.
“Down with Ulfric the killer of kings. On the day of your death we’ll drink and we’ll sing.”

Wait–WHAT?!

“We’re the children of Skyrim, and we fight all our lives. And when Sovngarde beckons, every one of us dies!”

Err, okay. And apparently it wasn’t a fluke because she did it again. I kind of like it though, it’s like a defiant Dunmer thing against the Stormcloak racists, it’s her own way of saying “fuck you” to them in her own sneaky way. Chick’s got some balls, yo.

Anyway, I later punched a racist in the face (I wanted to blow off some steam), and then got arrested. Big deal, traveled out again upon my newly owned horse (yes…I bought another one).

After a big raid in a mining cave, I turn to Illia to give her my loot. I opened her inventory…

Then nothing.

NOTHING.

WHAT THE SHIT, WHERE IS MY STUFF, WOMAN?!?

So I rage quit’d and reloaded the save.

No change. Same damn thing.

GODDAMN IT.

…And I haven’t played since.

😦

Image Credit: UESP Wiki
Video Credit: Myself

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Japhet’s Faulty

July 13, 2012

Oh my god is this quest ever glitchy. Geez.

I came across this quest (Rise in the East) by accident, actually. It was just basically a standard game of fetch, help out some guy by getting some proof of these pirates helping someone else, get into a bar fight (always fun), then go on a ship to some god-forsaken freezing block of ice floating in some river, and kill said pirates. Woo.

So basically, when I got off the boat, I was told to go kill a wizard because he was making fog and everyone else is apparently too much of a wuss to go into the fog themselves. Geez, where have I heard this before? 😛

So off I go, Iida or Ilda or whatever her name is, hopping (well…more like sneak rolling) over some ice blocks to get to this mysterious island in the fog. Woo.

When we finally get there, I snipe a Blood Horker (the pirates) and all hell breaks loose.

“O-DAH-VIING!” I scream as I promptly get a fireball in the face.

Odahviing did not come.

What.

The.

Fuck?

I respawned, and tried again. I got close enough to actually get ONTO the island…but I couldn’t. I couldn’t find a way up. What?

Then I took a fireball to the face.

GODDAMN MAGES URGGH.

New plan!

Swim around the island…maybe there’s a back entrance or something?

So as I’m swimming…I change the camera angle below myself…just looking around, doing what a swimming Dovahkiin does…

…Then I realize I need to come up for air…

So I swim up.

And up.

And up.

And even higher up.

Above the water.

Above the shore.

Almost to the top of the mountain.

…Wait, what?!

I look down below me as I’m floating in invisi-water, and see the shore below.

HOW AM I SWIMMING?!

I’M SWIMMING IN MID-AIR, WHAT.

Like this, only in like…a crapper, more annoying location.

Oh, Skyrim, you.

Taking full advantage of this, I use it to swim around to this ledge behind the fortress on the island. I sneak on.

Sneak, sneak.

FUCKING MAGE APPEARS, FUCK.

“O-DAH-VIING!!”

No Odahviing.

GODDAMN IT, YOU STUPID FLYING RED DRAGON, WHERE ARE YOU?!

I die.

This goes on several more times, with me using the swimming glitch, until somehow, magically, I manage to FUS-RO-DAH! that goddamn fucking mage off the cliff. The rest of the bandits went down pretty easy.

Until I came across one swimming.

SWIMMING IN THE AIR.

IN FRONT OF ME.

I stepped in front of her, confused.

I start swimming, too.

Having a better idea, I back away and hit her in the head with my Daedric Battleaxe.

That was easy.

Then I swim away to the tower.

Swimming in the air…

~~

Fast forward to the end of the mission, I’m getting bombarded by fireballs.

“FUCK–” (KABOOM) “–WHERE THE HELL–” (BOOM) “ARE THESE GODDAMN FIREBALLS–” (BOOOM) “–COMING FROM?!” I go back to the captain of the ship who brought me here.

“Sorry about the fireballs, gotta make sure all the bandits are dead. Hope you didn’t get hit by any. We wanna destroy this island.”

COULDN’T YOU HAVE FUCKING WAITED UNTIL I GOT BACK TO THE BOAT? I HELPED YOU GUYS.

NPC LOGIC RIGHT THERE, FOLKS.

And then I only get paid $1500 for doing this mission.

POCKET CHANGE.

Oh well, another (glitchy) quest bites the dust.

Even though I was the one eating fireballs.

(Image Credits: UESP Wiki, Unknown)

(Can you tell I haven’t been very inspired to write lately? :P)

(EDIT: Oh, apparently if you fast-travel back to Japhet’s Folly, you get stuck there, just like if you return to Misty Grove in the quest A Night To Remember. Fix this, Bethesda!! …I might have missed something. XP)

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Mini Post: Malacath’s Wrath

June 28, 2012

(I rhymed there. You like that?!)

So about a week ago, I was venturing across Riften (mostly on and off as a werewolf, faster traveling FTW), looking for adventure between filling various mini-quests. I stumbled across Largashbur. The first time I came across it, a giant was attacking and there was this orc mage throwing ice spikes into his face. I decided to help her out, and together we took down the giant.

…After I picked its toe, I went back to the stronghold and tried to enter. It was was locked. So, I tried to talk to their lookout.

Nothing.

I jumped up and down.

Nothing.

I thought of putting an arrow into her face to see if that could grab her attention…but on second thought, a whole tribe of orcs coming after me wasn’t exactly…the most appealing idea. o____o

Let me, let me in! Or I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll fucking FUS RO DAH your door down.

So, I did what every good adventuring Dovahkiin does.

I left that fortress of solitude without another word.

Bad ass-ly.

…Hold on a sec, this story has more to it.

I ended up back there a few hours later on another random misc. quest. This time, I ended up in the mountains ABOVE the orc camp. Looking down, I shouted my Ethereal shout and jumped, hoping it wouldn’t wear off before I hit the bottom.

“AAAHHHHH!!” I screamed and landed by the blacksmith’s hut.

No one seemed to notice.

I snuck around and rolled like the stealthy-bad ass I was, and came up behind the mage.

“Boo,” I whispered.

Atub: (doesn’t afraid of anything) “Giants have been attacking here because we’re cursed. Please save us, whoever you are.”

“I’m the mighty DOVAHKIIN!!”

“Just shut up and help.”

“K.”

“Bring me some troll fat and a Daedra heart.”

“ALREADY GOTS IT, HUZZAH!!”

She didn’t look to thrilled. But then again, orcs usually don’t look that thrilled about anything.

QUEST STARTED: THE CURSED TRIBE

After interviewing several unhelpful orcs, I talked to the chief.

…And he was a pussy.

No wonder you all are cursed.

Doomed.

Forever.

Pussy.

Orc Chief: “Blah blah blah.”

So we all go out after much convincing for Chief Yamarz to take part, and the mage/priestess starts talking to Malacath at the shrine.

“OH MIGHTY MALACATH, ANSWER OUR CALL, I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT I SAID DURING THIS CUTSCENE, BUT COME TALK TO US.”

Silence.

Orc Chief: “I knew this was a waste of time. I’m gonna go sleep some moar.”

All of a sudden, a booming voice comes down from the sky…

“YOU WEAK, PATHETIC MORTALS.”

Orc Mage: “Malacath speaks!!” =O

“AND YOU, CHIEF YAMARZ, ARE A PATHETIC PUSSY WHO IS NOT FIT TO LEAD THIS TRIBE.”

Yamarz: “…I’m…not a pussy.”

“SO I CURSED YOU ALL. HAHAHA.”

…Meanwhile, I’m kinda waiting for something awesome to happen, or be told do more objectives, because let’s face it, how often do you do a quest where you just TALK? Not very often, at least not with orcs. They prefer talking with their fists, kinda similar to how Nords do.

Anyway, Malacath continues his tirade.

“YOU ARE ALL WEAK, PATHETIC LITTLE PUSSIES. I’M SO ANGRY I COULD–”

And then a flash of lightning. And the world was plunged into darkness.

The power went out at my house.

Malacath’s rage was so hard, he killed the power.

Damn, that’s a pretty strong Daedra.

And that was that.

(Image Credits: UESP Wiki)

(…Yes, I realize this post was pretty pointless. Perhaps I’ll finish writing about this quest later. The ending was pretty funny. Maybe I’ll finish it tomorrow.)

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(Mini) Mini Post: Most Overused (and Annoying) Lines in Skyrim

April 30, 2012

(Image Credit: Esthin @ TerrariaOnline forums.)

“Been to the Cloud District often? What am I saying? Of course you haven’t.”

I’m Balgruuf’s best friend. Fuck off.

“Think of doing any mercenary work? I think it might suit you.”

Thanks, I got think I got the message the first 600 times you’ve said it.

“…You…look a bit pale. Are you feeling alright?”

God, in the beginning of my first playthrough this never stopped. NEVER STOPPED. Until one day it did. So weird…o____O

“I am SWORN to carry your burdens…”

And this is why I dumped Lydia. Off a mountain.

“My cousin is out fighting dragons. And what
do I get? Guard duty.”

(cough)

Are all my followers sick or something or just bored? Maybe next time I’ll just leave them in Blackreach. See if they’re bored then. >:D

“I AM AN APPRENTICE WIZARD, NOT A PACK
MULE!!”

Yes, I know, Marcurio. That’s why we love you, you little pack mule, you. ❤

“Wait…I know you.”

OH SH–

“You there. Stop shouting. It’s making
people nervous.”

OH YEAH? TAKE MY FUS RO DAH, BITCH!!

“DOVAHHHKIIIIN.”

“Loyal Cicero lives to serve.”

“I work for Belathor, in the general goods shop.”

I DON’T CARE.

“Need something?”

“M’aiq is done talking.”

Nooooo!! TALK MOAR!! D:

“Laa dee daa, tee hee hee~!!”

…I kind of miss this now, actually…:/

(bark)

For gods sake, why couldn’t you just be quiet like Dogmeat was?!

“I used to be an adventurer like you. Then I took an arrow in the–“

FUS

RO

DAH!!