Posts Tagged ‘oops’

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Mini Post: Naked Courier Service

June 12, 2012

So, I was itching for another dragon fight and wandering around dragon hot spots like I usually do, when I was stopped by this…

“OH, HAY THAR. I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOUUU~~”
(Image Source: skyrimglitches.tumblr.com)

Well, actually, all I saw was a naked man running towards me, so my initial reaction was to back away…slowly…

“Oh hey, I have a letter for you.”

…A courier?!

A NAKED COURIER?!

WTF?

Did…did I or some bandits have some past run in with you and stole all your belongings or something…? Or were you at that drinking party I had with Sam Guevenne or what…?

“A letter. Won’t say who he was. Just that he’s a friend of yours.”

Yeah, yeah. I’ll take the letter. Now why are you naked? Is this a special telegram service or something and you’ll start giving me a Nord-style lap dance or something, buddy?

“Well, that’s it. Gotta go. Important deliveries to make.”

MORE LIKE IMPORTANT CROTCH THRUSTS, AMIRITE?!

Well, apparently this is a pretty common glitch, so that naked courier is really making the rounds, huh?

HOOOOOOO~~

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Fun With M’aiq – Part I

March 9, 2012

"M'aiq wishes he had a stick made out of fishies to give to you. Sadly, he does not." ...I want a fishy stick! 😦

Oh, Mai’q.

What an amazing, and rare, easter egg. He wanders Tamriel, and says the funniest things.

In Oblivion, I ran into him a few times, mostly near Leyawiin, for some reason. “Werewolves? Where? Wolves? Men that are wolves? Many wolves. Everywhere. Many men. That is enough for M’aiq.” And then he’d run off in impossible speeds. I tried chasing after him many a time, only to lose sight of him as he ran off into the hills. Perhaps a horse would keep up with him, but I’m not so sure about that…I guess his acrobatics skill is maxed…XD

In Skyrim, I’ve only ran into him twice. The first time, was during an attack by a mammoth, which is mentioned here in this post (or actually not….oops?…but it happened right after the incident with the Argonian and the dragon). I saved him, and in my glee I talked to him right away. I found him amusing then, and I would have stuck around with him for a little longer, if I didn’t have to worry about dragons and frost spiders.

The second time, happened only yesterday. With my newest character, Marabelle, a female Breton mage, I was on my way walking to Windhelm when I ran into him just before Mixwater Mill.

"M'aiq's father was also called M'aiq. As was M'aiq's father's father. At least, that's what his father said." Well, that explains some things...

(To be honest, when I saw him from behind, I thought he was some sort of priest or those Vigilant of Stendarr weirdos).

After running through his pretty funny lines (“Skyrim was once the land of many butterflies. Now, not so much.”), checking what he had in his inventory (predictably, bottles of Skooma). I decided to play around.

And I ran into him.

Several times, in fact.

By that, I mean, full on dash straight into him. I didn’t have FUS RO DAH! on this character yet, so this was the second best.

“What are you doing?”

Shove.

“Hey!”

Shove.

And then M’aiq fell off into the waterfall.

“Arrrgh!!”

He fell to the lower ledge.

“Whee!!” I jumped after him.

I landed beside him. Understandably, he was pissed.

Nudge, nudge.

Shove, shove.

“AAAAHHHHHGHHGHGHHHH!!!!” He screamed as he disappeared into the white foam of the raging falls.

“M’AIQQQQ!!!” I screamed after him, hoping I didn’t kill him.

I dived in after him, completely disregarding the last time I took a leap of faith down a waterfall and cracked my head open. After the initial roar of the water, and the water cleared, did I see him gently floating down the stream.

“Wheee!!” I thought. This was kind of nice.

After drifting slowly down the river a short ways, he washed up on shore. I followed him out the water, looking forward to whatever comment he had about his crazy cliff dive…I mean, push.

“M’aiq is done talking.”

Really? That’s it?

“M’aiq is done talking.”

I promptly shoved him back into the water and watched him get swept down the river, with a look of dismay on his face.

“M’aiq has heard it is dangerous to be your friend.”

Yeah…I guess that’s probably true. 😀

Til next time we meet, M’aiq!

"Dragons? Oh, they're everywhere! You must fly very high to see most of them, though. The ones nearer the ground are very hard to see, being invisible." Oh, how little did we know...Man, I need to play Morrowind some time...

Image Credits: UESP Wiki

Next Post: Red Moon Rising

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Glutton for Punishment

February 12, 2012

It was a cold winter night, as I approached the Imperial soldiers at our rendezvous-point upon my steed Shadowmere. I dismounted, and Lydia finally caught up to join us. We were about to storm into Fort Dunstad.

For the Empire! (Nevermind the fact I'm in the Dark Brotherhood and well upon my way to ultimately assassinate the Emperor...Oh, the irony!)

We took out the archers with ease, and stormed into the battle grounds. The fight was bloody, blades flying from both Stormcloaks and Imperials.

Sure, pull out your mace when I get close. Just stand still and take it, cheater.

When it finally was all over, I started looting the bodies for arrows and helmets before I skipped over to find Lydia, so she could be my storage container.

“Lydia? Where’d you go?” I called as the Imperials patrolled their newly acquired fort.

“Lydia…?”

And right there, between a dead Imperial and a dead Stormcloak, was a very dead Lydia.

Read the rest of this entry ?

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Thievery & You

February 11, 2012

Cheese, cheese, cheese. I love cheese. Cheese for me and none for you!

I’ll admit, I’m a bit of a button masher. I get impatient to get quests to move on quickly if I’m caught up in the middle of the action. Which, sometimes, equals accidental thievery.

For example, I’ll walk into a store, any store really, doesn’t matter if it’s Skyrim or Oblivion. The storekeeper greets me with a hello (or an insult, depending on who it is exactly), and asks what I’d like today. I run up to his table and press “A”.

Cup has been added to your inventory.

“GUARDS!! THIEF!!” He screams bloody murder.

Wait, what?!

You are over-encumbered.

“I’M SORRY!!” I scream, throwing the cup across the room and a few extra cheap items that I didn’t know I had or needed in hopes of forgiveness. “IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!”

“STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!”

Fack.

And all the items I meant to steal get taken away from me as well. ALL BECAUSE I ACCIDENTALLY  GRABBED A CUP, WHICH, BY THE WAY, I GAVE BACK AS SOON AS I REALIZED.

Of course, that obviously isn’t good enough and you either pay the court a fine or rot in jail.

You know, shopkeepers, maybe it would be a lot more helpful IF YOU DIDN’T STACK ALL YOUR SHIT ON THE COUNTER IN FRONT OF YOU, SO I CAN ACTUALLY CLICK ON YOU AND NOT THAT SHIT ASS IRON DAGGER.

Also…I wasn’t aware it was customary for shop owners to leave their gold lying around everywhere. I mean, really?! And that’s like the EASIEST shit to take, because gold is gold and guards can’t tell the difference between your gold and your recently “acquired” gold.

(Also, is it safe if you store your stolen stash on your follower? Do they take it off of him/her as well when you get arrested…?)

So, yeah.

And I’m not just talking about The Elder Scrolls series either, this shit happens in other Bethesda games, too (does it happen in Morrowind also? I’ve never played it, help me out here!). Fallout 3 and New Vegas…

In the wasteland, you steal shit, you get your head blown off. That’s it, no questions asked. There are no guards, at least, none that I can remember in Fallout 3, except maybe Rivet City (had to look up the name, it’s been a long time since I’ve played, heh), and in New Vegas, on the strip…and even then, they just blow your head off. So either way, you end up with your brains splattered against the wall.

BUT…

When I do want to steal, I find the stores in Skyrim to be absolutely pathetic. I break in, and find there’s hardly anything really WORTH taking and bringing all the way back to Riften to sell to the fence. At least, in Whiterun it’s been like that…I’ll have to try other places later.

Oblivion was nice for stealing…well, the jewelry store was, anyway. 😀

Plus, it always helps having Detect Life when you’re a thief, so you know if someone’s coming and if you’re about to get busted or not. (Or, alternatively, in Skyrim, just do the ol’ “bucket on the head” thing. Usually works, unless they have a magic force field around there head that sends it flying…what? It did happen… Just make sure not to accidentlly take the bucket instead of carrying it.)

Also fuck those guard dogs in Imperial City.

Back to Skyrim…

I did break into that alchemy dealer in Whiterun a few days ago, and snuck around as a cat burglar, stealthy as can be, raided all the ingredients (making potions from stolen items doesn’t make the potion counted as stolen, yay!) and potions I could carry. And then, as I’m about to grab some ice wraith teeth and a potion of minor healing I hear…

“We sell all kinds of alchemy ingredients and agents!”

Spinning around as quick as I can, I scanned the floor for any movement. Nothing. Then I realized the crazy bitch was talking to herself on the second floor. So I continued to steal, all the while listening to her brag about her shop full of items.

Not anymore, sister, not anymore!

Also, sorry if I stole a goddamn cheese wheel, Ulfric. The sweetroll wasn’t considered stolen, so I thought the cheese was okay, too. I guess you just really like your cheese, huh? Regardless, I’m not paying a fine, nor going to jail, because I have about 40 other stolen cheese wheels (among other things), and I don’t want to put the effort to get them back from you guys. See ya!!

“Let me guess…someone stole your sweetroll.”

Nah, nope. I do the sweetrolling stealing around here, baby.

Delicious.

Image Credit: Unknown source.

By the way, I suck at pickpocketing. Stupid keys for stupid doors that need the stupid key. Stupid… (grumbles)

Next Post: Glutton for Punishment

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“Wait…I know you.”

February 10, 2012

...Shit. Nope, no you don't...

Oh, guards.

At least, unlike in Oblivion, they give you some warning. I remember so many times, I’d just rob shit in Cyrodiil, run away, ride away on Shadowmere on my merry way, and then, all of a sudden…

(camera whips away)

“STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM!!”

"You violated my mother."

Oh sh–

And, in Oblivion, it was literally kinda almost impossible to do anything in any of the major cities, because these guys would just arrest your shit right on sight. Also, they seem pretty observant…or I’m just a terrible opportunist thief.

(Alas, I am also pretty bad at lockpicking…at least, when escaping jail. FFFFUUUU–)

It’s not like they’re exactly hard to sneak by or anything…they just seem to pop out of nowhere when you least expect it, like they’re watching over your shoulder or something and they just know, almost as if they can smell your stolen goods. And at least it’s fairly easy to get back your stolen shit out of those “evidence” chests. Hurrah.

Skyrim, it’s a tad different.

You get a bounty, and the guards stop you and ask you to either pay it, or serve your time. Now, you can do those two things, or, if you’re like me who tends to save up more stolen goods than you should be…you can just run. Fast. Away. Go. GO!

(Also, having a mount helps to make a faster getaway. Yay, mounts!!) 😀

…You come back later, totally forgetting about said bounty and one of these two things happen.

1) They kind of walk by you and pause with the, “Wait…I know you.”

or,

2) Just attack you on sight, if you’re bounty’s high enough.

Whenever Option 1 happens, I just run from them. XD I learned my lesson the first time when I went to talk to them after they said it, vainly thinking they meant they recognized my awesomness as Thane of Whiterun, or perhaps the fact that I’m Dragonborn! 😀

Me: “Yeeeess?”

Guard: “There’s a warrant out for your arrest…”

Me: “Faaack.”

And then you can just run away and repeat the cycle all over again. Huzzah.

Getting your stuff back in Skyrim isn’t exactly hard either, which is nice. Just be like…”Bitch, I’m SUPPOSED to be here,” and the guards are like, “Okay, cool”, which is just basically:

I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.

(…But they seem like they do, because I had no idea they’d actually go through the trouble of following me into a dungeon of all things…geez, when are you going to call it quits already?!)

As quoted by my good pub friend…

"The security in Whiterun is terrible. Shameful, is what it is."

Amen, brother. Amen.

Sinmir: (clap, clap)

Guard: “You have commited crimes against Skyrim and her people…”

…Shit.

Image Credits: The Elder Scrolls Wiki, UESP Wiki

(I’ll edit this later to add more clarity. Until then…)

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The Spectral Assassin & I

February 9, 2012

…Do not get along at all.

MINOR SPOILERS FOR THE DARK BROTHERHOOD.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s dreadfully useful, maybe too much so, since if I don’t get to ambush someone before they see me, I’ll need some backup because I’m not exactly a tank.

My Khajiit character just can’t stand him.

He talks…and talks…and talks…and talks some more. With a loud booming spectral voice, it gets especially annoying when talking to other NPCs, because he seems to be FIVE TIMES LOUDER THAN ANYONE ELSE.

Honestly, if he stopped saying the same things over and over every 30 seconds I wouldn’t mind him at all.

Any of this sound familiar?

“My Listener?”
“Lead and I will follow…Child of Darkness.”
“We are bonded now, you and I. Joined by the powers of the Void.”

Yeah…great.

Seriously, what happened, man? You used to be awesome in Oblivion…mainly because you didn’t really talk so much. Urgh.

Random NPC: “Oh, have you visited Morthal? I heard that this–”

Spectral Assassin: “In life, I was but a Speaker for the Dark Brotherhood, but you have been named Listener. There is no higher honor.”

Random NPC: “…when the sunsets. Strange, huh?”

Me: “…Wut.”

Or…sneaking around in the dungeon. I usually focus on listening for any signs of movement or life.

Me: (sneak, sneak)

Spectral Assassin: “Perhaps we should find a random stranger to murder… practice does make perfect.”

Bandit: “O HALLO THAR!!” (slice)

Me: (dies)

I wish there was a way to dismiss him, other than him dying. I smacked him around with my blades a few times before he became aggro in the Winking Skeever, so I had to stand on the bed and just shoot lighting up his ass. Geez.

And then after all that…I find out I broke a rule in the Dark Brotherhood and now have to pay 500 gold?! GODDAMN IT, LUCIEN!!

At least he’s as slow as other followers. So when I get on Shadowmere I usually just leave him behind…unfortunately then, when I actually DO need him…he’s nowhere to be found.

…And then he shows up AFTER I kiled whatever ambushed us.

(sigh)

I sound like a big complainer, maybe I am. But hey.

Other than that though, the Dark Brotherhood’s questline is pretty fun so far.  Maybe I’ll write my thoughts about it next time.

Spectral Assassin: “I live…again!”

Great…

Image Credit: UESP Wiki

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The Most Inopportune Moments

February 2, 2012

Why does weird shit always seem to happen here?

I had my main character, Lilian, fast travel to the city of Winterhold. As I began walking through the snow covered streets, I heard a roar from above and thought, “Great.” Above, a dragon circled a few times before landing just in front of me. As I readied my sword, the dragon hit me with a blast of ice breath. I began to raise my shield to defend…

“Here, this came for you.”

A courier entered dialogue with me as I was getting assaulted by this dragon onslaught. Momentarily caught off guard, I paused a moment thinking…”WTF are you doing here?!” I mashed the B button to exit dialogue as quickly as I could, and got my letter (which I forgot to read for a long while after that…you see, I had more important things to occupy my time at the moment). As I readied my bow to hit the dragon who had flown back into the sky, I heard a scream from behind me.

“I’m getting out of here!!” screamed the courier.

“You should have done that in the first place!!” I yelled.

After Marcurio and I downed the dragon and looted a few dead guard bodies, we walked past the courier again, who seemed perfectly back to normal. “Nope. Sorry. Nothing.” He said to us.

We looked at him for a moment.

“Nope. Sorry. Nothing.”

We began walking towards the college.

“Nope. Sorry. Nothing.”

I almost wish the dragon had ate him. But you have to admit, they really go all out of their way to get some letters delivered. Only a Skyrim courier can get the job done right.

I'll give you a goddamn arrow in the knee...

It happened again a little while later.

A blood dragon had attacked the farms outside of Whiterun. By myself this time, I began to take down the dragon (carefully) by firing as much arrows into its scaly hide as much as possible. Eventually, the dragon ended up close enough to have citizens and farmers running, and attracted the attention of the city’s guards.

“Die dragon!!” they yelled as they fired their bows and arrows.

“Slay it! Slay the dragon!!” they screamed as they ready their swords and charged to the beast. Nothing phased them, not even the screams from the people around them, nor the sight of one of their fellow comrades becoming the dovah’s latest chew toy. Thankful for the help, I began hitting the dragon with all I had. We managed to dwindle down the dragon’s health two-thirds of the way before it began readying to take off again.

“Not so fast, you damned dragon!!” I screamed. I filled the air in my fictional character’s lungs and shouted…

“FUS RO DAH!!”

The dragon recoiled from the hit with a roar, but took off regardless. As I followed the dragon with my bow, ready to fire, my character yelped from a sudden hit from behind. I turned to see a whole army of Whiterun guards coming at me with their swords drawn. “What the hell?!” I yelled.

Running low on health and pretty sure I was going to die, I had no choice but to yield and hope they wouldn’t take me to jail. I had apparently hit them with my Thu’um accidently.

“You have committed crimes against Skyrim and her people. What say you in your defense?”

A roar from the distance.

I sighed. “Fine. You caught me. I’ll pay the bounty.” Which, by the way, was 40 gold.

“Smart woman. Now come along with me. We’ll take any stolen goods you have and you’ll be free to go. After you pay the fine, of course.” Smug bastard.

When I left Dragonsreach and ran as fast as I could to get outside of the city’s gates once more, it was too late, the dragon was gone.

Fuck.

I raged for awhile after that.

Kharjo and I were walking towards a dungeon I had previously cleared, but had not looted properly because I became over-encumbered. I brought him along to act as another storage container.

Again, a dragon arrived, an ice dragon this time, and it landed in front of me, blowing snow and dirt in my face. As I readied for the attack, it hit me with a blast of ice. Hiding behind my shield, I waited for the attack to cease. Suddenly, the camera flipped over to somewhere to my left, and an Argonian stood beside me.

“You and Sam owe me 10,000 gold.”

What the fuck?!

Not really giving a shit what this guy had to say, I skipped through his dialogue and exited, and he began attacking me. Not giving much of a shit but finding him still somewhat irritating, I sheathed my weapons anyway (the dragon was airborne at this time).

He sheathed his weapons as well. “You are not worth it,” he says as he began walking away. Then the dragon landed and promptly ate that son of a lizard.

And that, my friends, was the end of Deep-In-His-Cups.

Image credits: UESP Wiki, Elder Scrolls Wiki.

Next Post: The Enemies That Usually Kill Me