Posts Tagged ‘NPCs’

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Fallout 4 – An Unlikely Valentine (Main Quest, Part 4)

March 31, 2016

Fallout 4_20160406213912223

So getting to Park Street Station/Vault 114 wasn’t too bad–I mean, it’s been awhile since I’ve done it but I don’t remember any significant asskicking. However, entering the subway station was another story. I had Piper along with me, because why not. It’s important for someone to be my meat shield have my back due to my terrible aim. And of course, I’m met by goons with fucking machine guns.

Piper: “Blue, we’re surrounded here!”

Me: “Noooo shit!” (fires shitty weapon back at the thugs while hiding)

Goddamn I went through a lot of molotovs with these assholes. I finally got a chance to pick up a submachine gun from a ghoul thug’s dead body, boy did I make use of that. Time to eat some lead, bitches! Open up!

The subway leads to an entrance of Vault 114, and from there…more Triggermen.

Fallout 4_20151204170312

The entrance to my second vault!

Damn Piper though…runs ahead and gets mowed down pretty quick. Whoops. Guess I should’ve gave her some armor.

Piper: “Ow!”

Me: “Goddamn it, Piper. You need to stop going in kamikaze style. If you’re gonna do that at least throw some rolled-up newspapers.”

Of course since I suck I don’t exactly have a lot of stimpacks to spare for her so…I had a tendency to flee back and set down a shit ton of mines (last resort). I was also low on bullets. At this point I was furiously looting bodies looking for any type of ammunition while I fled backwards…shit was getting dangerous. I spammed the hell of VATS for what ammo I did have…and that’s when I experienced the teleportation glitch where if you aim near a wall you teleport in VATS until you’re in front of a wall. WTF?

Eventually I clear out most of the thugs, minus the main room. I sneak around the corner with a sniper rifle and limited ammo in hand. First try, I snuck in but got destroyed by some Triggermen guards and some asshole named Dino, who before entering the main room is busy talking to whom I assume is a Nick Valentine, locked up in the Overseer’s office bove. Second time, I tried luring out two of the guards without alerting Dino…I tossed a lot of mines that time, but I still died. Third time, guards weren’t around. Got back to the main hall and proceeded to shoot Dino in the face. He ducked behind a container, and every few seconds he’d peak his head out and I’d proceed to shoot him. He died pretty quick because he couldn’t see me. That wasn’t…too bad. I will still worried that the guards would suddenly appear to I proceeded with caution to the Overseer’s door and hacked it open.

Damn. I knew I was going to like this guy…err, synth. Also, fuck yeah Bobblehead!

I mean my god, you probably don’t know this but I have a boner for 1940’s noir detectives. I mean sure, this one’s falling apart and he’s got wiring exposed–but he’s still seductive in his own charm and whitty phrases. This Valentine’s got my heart. He explains that he got held up here for weeks on end–good thing he doesn’t exactly need to eat–turns out the runaway daughter case he was chasing was actually in love with Skinny Malone–the big baddy of the Triggermen. Geez, to get caught up in this shit!

Me: “Okay. Help me find my son!” (why the fuck would I say that?)

Nick: “Sure, I’ll be glad to help you out but right now we have more important things to concern ourselves with. Let’s blow this popsicle stand!”

So while we run through the Vault to escape, Piper kinda goes MIA, but whatever, I’m crouched behind this old time robot, hiding our asses as we try to escape. His commentary certainly spices things up–“I hear fat footsteps through the door”–so yeah, I’m pretty infatuated with this guy. New companion once things smooth over. Uh, who’s Piper again?

Unfortunately, our escape is botched by Malone and the runaway daughter–his girl now. She taunts us with a baseball bat and her voice is grating on the ears…ahhh fuck that shit.

Fallout 4_20151204180124

Damn it, I knew they weren’t going to make this easy.

Dumb bitch: “Awwww…poor little Valentine. Ashamed you got beat up by a girrrrl? I’ll just run home back to daddy, shall I?” (and yes, it sounds as annoying as it reads)

Malone: (shoots threats but sounds scared shitless) “Blah blah blah detective dick on my turf blah blah…don’t hurt me.” o:

Me: (facepalm)

Dumb bitch: “Oh no! Valentine must’ve sent her here to kill us!”

Me: “Wait, what? I didn’t know jack shit before I got here. I just want Valentine. You got a home you can go back to, why the fuck are you hanging around these idiots?”

(passes speech check) 😀

Dumb bitch: “Oh my God, you’re right! I’ve gotten all mixed up! I’m going home!”

Malone: “Darla? Where are ya going? Darla?!”

Maybe not so dumb bitch: “Back home, where I belong! This is goodbye for us!” (runs away)

Malone: “Oh come on, Nicky! It’s bad enough you cost me my men, now you cost me my girl too?!”

Me: “Uh…that was me that convinced her…”

Nick: “My friend did you a favour, Skinny. You always did have bad taste in women.”

oh-snap

Malone: (flustered) “You know what, Nick! I’ll let you go this time, but you have 10 seconds to get the fuck out of my Vault! 10…9…”

Nick: “Let’s skedaddle!”

Oh fuck, do we even have enough time?

Malone: “3…2…”

FUCK WE’RE RUNNING

Malone: “1…”

(LOAD SCREEN)

Me: “Yess! We made it!! :D”

Nick: “Thanks for your help.” (backstory on how he’s a synth and he woke up in a trash can. Shit. He’s like a Chobit. Maybe secretly all synths are failed sex dolls I mean what) “Meet me back in Diamond City, and we can set up a case to find your missing son.”

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“Beep…beep.” :>

MISSION COMPLETE, FUCK YEAH GIVE ME THAT EXP

So guess what I did after that?

Back to Diamond City!

Image Credits: Screenshots taken by me. Please do not repost without my permission.

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Fallout 4 – Main Quest (Part 2)

December 31, 2015

This post is a continuation from the previous.

So upon returning to the surface from Vault 111 I’m immediately blinded by light (huh, isn’t that a familiar feeling).

…Annnnd predictablity everything looks like shit. Well, shittier than before the bombs dropped, but it actually looks…pretty good. Nice, clear sky. Perfect post-apocalypse weather.

Time for a nice stroll through a post-apocalyptic nuclear wasteland. Not bad after 210 years.

Time for a nice stroll through a post-apocalyptic nuclear wasteland. Not bad after 210 years.

I descend the path back to my neighbourhood and lo and behold…it looks like shit. No surprise there. I find my house…and Codsworth!

Me: “Yes!! CODSWORTH HELLO!”

Codsworth: “Mum, is that you? It’s been so long, and I’ve been so lonely. Where’s sir, and Shaun?”

Me: “Nate is…Nate is dead.”

Codsworth: “These terrible things you’re saying…I think it’s because you’re hungry! Being late to dinner 210 years will do that!”

Me: “210 years?!”

Codsworth: “Where’s Shaun? I do believe he loves a game of charades.”

Me: “Someone kidnapped him!”

Codsworth: “Nonsense! You’re just hungry. Should I fix something up for you! I’m sure Nate and Shaun will turn up yet.”

Me: “I don’t think so…”

So he goes off to find me food and because I’m an impatient fuck I just wander off until I’m out of Sanctuary (oops, bye Codsworth?). And then I find…Dogmeat!

And you can give him items to wear! Too cute!

And you can give him items to wear! Too cute!

Of course I’m gonna take dog with me, he’s too precious and I need cuteness in this wasteland, goddamn it. Plus he can destroy those pesky molerats no problem. AND HE EVEN DOES TRICKS (even though it’s like…one trick).

So after dicking around for a bit, I wandered off in a random direction and wandered into a shipment yard, and got attacked by feral ghouls. Now let me tell you something. In Fallout 3, feral ghouls in the transit tunnels sometimes scared the shit out of me. It would be dark as fuck, and suddenly you hear their snarl and they’re fucking on your ass. They aren’t exactly hard to kill, and a bit of a joke, but they’re annoying enough and they had the tendency to startle me. Well, in this game I don’t even have to be in a tunnel and they still manage to scare me. This time around Bethesda was clever, they made the ghouls smarter. Now they hide under things, or above things, play dead etc. And before you know it they are literally throwing themselves at you and trying to eat your face. I mean, it’s a bit comical when they miss and go flying and fall on their face, but it still had me scared enough that I’m frantically firing my shitty pistol and regretting straying from the main path, goddamn.

Anyway, back on point, and after dicking around in Sanctuary for a bit (no idea where Codsworth went, oh well), I wander off into a town which is, predictably, full of raiders. Well, guess it’s time for my first gunfight. It went pretty smoothly, I guess because it’s the beginning of the game and they were pretty preoccupied by shooting at this one building I was able to pick them off fairly easily. Some guy in a cowboy hat or something yells at me to pick up a laser musket on the ground and help them inside the building…err, okay. I guess since you gave me a free gun.

…That gun is shit.

Anyway, I beat some more raider heads in, get scared shitless by some American patriotic tour. I don’t know what it is, I’m too busy killing raiders to pay attention, I’m not American, so. 😛 I finally manage to pick them off (I guess Dogmeat helped a little), and I meet a bunch of people in the backroom who explain how they’ve been hiding from the raiders. Meanwhile, a guy named Sturges messes with a computer, and I swear he just reminds me of a Final Fantasy character or something.

…He also never shuts up.

So the man in the hat introduces himself as Preston Gravy or something I dunno, and he’s part of the Minutemen, whatever the fuck that is. Apparently it’s a group that helps people at a minutes notice…guess I’m the new Minutemen because I just rescued their asses in a minute’s notice. With him he’s got Mama Murphy (best character 2015), some depressed man, and a woman with a mutfruit stuck up her ass) Anyway, Preston suggests I get some power armor and kick the rest of the raider’s asses…I’m thinking, why can’t they? But then I realize that’s what Sturges is whining about…he can’t crack the computer to open the gate to get the fusion core, which is needed for the power armor.

So of course, because I’m a smart lady I hack that novice level terminal no problem. I get the fusion core, head up to the roof, stick it in dat power armor, pick up that minigun and it’s fucking time to kick ass. I jump off the ledge like a bad ass and land on the ground like a heavy boss ass bitch, and it’s go time.

I revv up the minigun and basically mow down these fuckers, damn I’m only like 2 hours into the game and already it’s making me feel like a bad ass. This is great.

…Until a deathclaw comes out of the ground.

JFC SAVE ME NOW.

So I’m frantically trying to move backwards in this slow-ass power armor, this deathclaw is straight up coming to claim my ass. For some dumb reason these raiders are determined to kill me, but that’s okay because apparently they like claws up the butt so. I try to minigun a car to blow it up but the goddamn thing is way too fast, I run out of bullets and I’m…c95f729b67bb87bf0d1bedfee5a51cf3

…and I…get killed.

Well fuck me.

I reload from the autosave, but this time I save my fucking bullets. I fucking kill the raiders with some smaller ass gun and get ready for the the deathclaw. As soon as that thing comes out of the ground I am sprinting backwards and I just unload on this guy. I have never held down the trigger button so hard in my life. Woah. We dance around this car for a bit before I finally, FINALLY take this motherfucker down.

Goddamn. I’m like barely alive, who the fuck knows where Dogmeat went…probably to find a new owner, and I don’t blame him. JFC that is a lot of shit to throw at a freshly made character. Damn.

So I make my way back to Preston and he thanks me and decides he’s gonna take his group to Sanctuary. I get some weird ass prediction from Mama Murphy (still the best), I don’t even pay attention to whatever her drug-fueled prediction was as I’m too busy staring at her dislocated jaw. Fun times.

So I find Dogmeat finally, make him do some tricks, trip over him as I stomp out the door and follow the group back to Sanctuary.

Guess I found my new nuclear family.

Guess I found my new nuclear family.

…I never want to see another deathclaw again.

Image Credits: All screenshots taken by me, except the deathclaw meme graphic thing.

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Fallout 4 – First Impressions (Part 1)

November 30, 2015

Fallout 4_20151127183540

Alright, so I caved this Black Friday and bought myself a PS4. And of course, Fallout 4.

Now of course the first thing I’m gonna do when I get home is set up that system and pop that disc in, and I eagerly awaited for it to install, despite having no idea how to use the PS4’s system. Oh well.

Of course I had to sit through the entire S.P.E.C.I.A.L video series, but hey I didn’t mind.

“War…war never changes.”

Here we go.

“When my great-grandfather fought in World War II…”

Wait, wait, what? I sat really confused for a few seconds then remembered the game starts in 2077, not in the 1950’s. Derp. I’m a terrible Fallout fan, shame me.

So I sat through that but got distracted by cat so I didn’t catch most of it. Anyway, turns out we’re reminiscing in a foggy bathroom mirror while rubbing our sexy chiseled man-chin (which I took a few minutes to make look aesthetically pleasing, gotta have sexy husbando).

Anyway, I selected to play female, shoving my husband out of the way so I can get to the mirror, and after messing around a bit I ended up making a redhead with freckles, because…why not. I’m sure my husband enjoyed my magically morphing face…it’s amazing what make-up can do nowadays!

Let me say I made my man pretty handsome too. Unfortunately, since I just got the PS4 I only learned about the share button a little while later, so no selfie pics, sorry.

What's better than a robot babysitter?

What’s better than a robot babysitter?

I do like Codsworth. I used to hold the previous notion that Mr.Handys were kinda creepy, but that’s just my mistrust of robots (don’t ask, they just look hella deadly to me). “Hello, Mum. Coffee?” Oh yessss. This is the life.

So let’s talk about this other-enthusiastic Vault sales guy. Good lord he is annoying as hell. “Vault-Tec calling!” (extreme gestures for some reason)

Me: “What do you want?”

Sales guy: “Congratulations! You’ve been selected to enter into our Vault…” –(extreme hand gestures again like there’s a giant sparkling light in the sky and we’re in fucking Hollywood or something)– “VAULT ONE-OH-ONE!”

Me: “That’s nice. Now fuck off.”

Sales guy: “Now I know you’re a busy woman–BUT VAAAAAAAAULTS.”

Me: “Alright, alright. Fine. Sign me up.”

I name myself Ginger…because I’m fucking witty…and tada, got my S.P.E.C.I.A.L. High perception, charisma, and agility. Woo. Finally the annoying man leaves and I turn back to my husband, Nate.

Nate: “It’s a piece of mind.”

Me: “Oh yeah? I was about to give him a piece of my mind.”

So I go play with my baby and he’s cute I guess (why the hell is his name Shaun? Now I’ll never stop thinking about that glitchy ending to Heavy Rain… “SHAAAAAAAAAAUNNNN!”), spin the spinny thing and Codsworth is freaking the fuck out oh great now what.

babby shauuwn

babby shauuwnnn

My TV says bombs fell and of course the bomb alarm goes off–gee wizz, glad we signed up for being Vault dwellers not even five minutes ago! Perfect timing! So Nate grabs the baby and we all start running to the Vault, which also is…convienently set just down the street. Damn we are lucky sons of bitches, aren’t we?

Shut the fuck up. I still think this game is pretty. I played medium-rez vanilla Skyrim for 4 years. This shit is an improvement.

Shut the fuck up. I still think this game is pretty. I played medium-rez vanilla Skyrim for 4 years. This shit is an improvement.

Of course since I wanted to be funny and show my friend what happens when you run the wrong way, you blow up. Yeah, it’s funny the first time but I did it twice, because I have a weird sense of misdirection, so whoops. I do like how the game set the atmosphere for this part, though–it created a sense of urgency as you’re running for your life. The Vault has a gate check of course–found it kinda funny how the Vault salesman got denied–clearly they don’t pay the man enough– “You’ll be hearing from my agent!!” Ehhh considering how me and my fam barely make it in I’m pretty sure he’s a dead guy or a ghoul now, hehehe. IT’S THAT PERFECT TIMING AGAIN.

I swear in real life if an atom bomb went off that close we'd fucked already.

I swear in real life if an atom bomb went off that close we’d fucked already.

So we go down into the Vault and already my skin’s crawling (maybe I’m slightly claustrophobic, or maybe because in every single game Vaults have never been good thing?), and we’re directed into “cleaning pods” to “decontaminate” us from the nuclear detonation. Makes sense, but I’m not a fucking idiot, I don’t think decontamination pods are supposed to be all frozen and drippy. Nevertheless, not having much of a choice I’m strapped in and the thing closes, and I’m left looking at my husband holding my son (why does he have the baby?!), and we all freeze.

…These Vault-tec fuckers. Cryogenic sleep, huh. Fuck you guys.

So I wake up…sorta…and see some people open my husband’s pod. Apparently they want my kid, and the fucking SHOOT MY HUSBAND, I MEAN WAS THAT FUCKING NECESSARY? ASSHOLES.

What’s even worse is that you can’t do shit. Some baldy asshole that shot my son just leaves my dead husband there, takes my baby and gives me the “haha” stare and fucks right off like, “yay, mission accomplished!” Yeah, well, fuck you, you family wrecker. Asshole.

So a little while later (?) I end up unfrozen due to a malfunction in the Vault, but course by the time I get out IO can’t do anything for Nate, he’s fucking dead. I take his wedding ring and swear my revenge on the fuckers that killed him and to find Shaun.

R.I.P. in pieces.

Dead husband popsicle.

I rush through the Vault punching radroaches (fuck those things), find some weak-ass 10mm pistol, and run through till I find the Vault computer and learn that this whole Vault was an experiment to see how long they can leave us in cryo stasis. Gee guys, thanks. I mean you got my consent because YOU FUCKING TRICKED ME. Fuck you, Vault-Tec.

Anyway, I finally find the exit. Now what I like when you leave it plays the Fallout theme, so it feels really epic and you rise to the surface again. That was a nice touch.

…I guess it’s time to see what’s changed.

Next: Returning Home (First Impressions – Part 2)

Image Credits: All screenshots taken by me. Please do not repost with my permission.

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My 10 Favourite Mods

December 30, 2014


FNV_NEXUS

Since I’ve been playing Skyrim on PC pretty heavily for awhile, I figured I’d give you my current mod set up (no ENBs though because I have a pretty sucky laptop). These are the mods that I couldn’t play without:

Skyrim Script Extender (SKSE)

You kind of need this, and if you feel like you don’t, trust me, you will at some point. A lot of mods are script based, and in order for them to run smoothly you need to run this instead of the launcher.

SkyUI

At first I was kinda skeptical of SkyUI–I didn’t really like the look of the interface too much, but it kind of grew on me after awhile (plus for most of my mods to work they kind of relied on me having it). But the ability to sort items by the finest details (IE, the most important category–weight!), became really handy, so I think I’ll be sticking with it. 😀

Alternate Start – Live Another Life

Tired of the long-ass intro scene of the vanilla game? Look no further! In this mod you wake up in an unknown dungeon. You create and customize your character there, then walk up to a statue of Mara (I think it’s Mara…), who will give you about a dozen different options on how to start your game, for example, you are a bandit, you start in a bandit camp, or you could be working for the Thalmor, in which case you start in the Thalmor Embassy. Definitely a lot more interesting of a start to the game, and an interesting way to give your character more of a backstory right off the bat.

Frostfall

Party warming up by the fire.

Party warming up by the fire.

God, I love Frostfall. Honestly when I first heard of it, it sounded like it would be awful to play, considering how cold Skyrim is. Basically it’s a mod that makes you more susceptible to the harsh effects of the weather, ie hypothemia. You need to wear proper clothing, set up camp and make campfires to survive. It sounds like a chore, I know, but I’ve been having a lot of fun with it, I definitely think it adds a level of immersion into the game. I think my most memorable moment was wandering with no firewood or pickaxe, and I was too cold to pick up deadwood (or there wasn’t trees around, I can’t remember). I thought for sure I’d die of hypothermia, but I spotted a farm house in the distance. I promptly broke in, and sat in front of their fire until I was warm again. Thankfully they didn’t notice me until I tried to sneak over to their bedside drawers and steal some shit…oops.

Convenient Horses

Kind of a no-brainer if you use horses to get around most of the time like I do. This mod adds the ability to change your mount’s speed, health (or make as essential), armor, combat and following abilities. Not only that, you can learn a nifty skill where you can whistle for your horse, and she’ll come running right to you!

Amazing Follower Tweaks

Ever dream about having an entire team of warriors fighting dragons and coming along on your adventures, or doing a ridiculous dance for you? Look no further! AFT has so many options for customization, honestly I don’t even know all of them. You can have up to 15 followers at a time, humanoid or other, customize what they wear, and how they fight, whether or not your follow rides a horse when you ride (good, because now I don’t feel so guilty leaving Marcurio/Aela/J’zargo in my dust as I ride away on my trusty steed). Definitely a must-have if you plan on traveling with company.

Moonlight Tales & Werewolf Mastery

Now with were-boobies.

Now with were-boobies.

Moonlight Tales is a complete werewolf overhaul. There’s so much you can do with this, from infecting NPCs with lycanthropy to the colour of your beast side’s eyes. Not only that, but there’s also settings to sync your transformations with the phases of the moons, or what creatures would or would not be hostile to you in werewolf form (such as wolves). Plus there’s an option to re-equip all your equipment once you revert back to human form (THANK HIRCINE I NEEDED THAT SHIT!) Very cool stuff, if you like being a werewolf and completely destroying shit, this mod is perfect for you.

Inigo

TESV 2014-08-01 20-14-57-14

Of course, you’d just get cat hair into everything. /racist joke

Probably the best follower mod out there, hands down. I have never met an NPC so animated, and so…chatty! He literally has thousands of lines, most of them gave me a chuckle. He reacts to different situations too, even ones I wasn’t expecting (like the time I went into one of my houses and my dog follower wandered off. Inigo mentioned “Now were did that dog go?” and proceeded to look for him!). He’s got a decent (but somewhat bizarre) backstory, and his own novel which apparently he’ll read to you.

Blue Bear Lodge

One of my favourite house mods, it’s a quaint cottage set just outside of Windhlem, complete with its own dock, and store. Everything is just set up so nicely, it’s well decorated, and with labeled storage you have no excuses to misplace anything! It even has a bathhouse underneath complete with guest beds. Simple and small, yet cozy & beautiful!

Blaze of Eventide 

Fucking bad ass firey horse. Healed by fire, nice touch. Pretty much all that needs to be said.

…And that’s pretty much it, at least for now. By all means, it’s not a complete list of all the mods I have installed, but it’s my favourite ones I couldn’t play without. Realistic Needs & Diseases almost made the cut, but I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with that one, so it gets an honorable mention for adding to the immersion.

Happy New Year!TESV 2014-12-04 22-43-29-86

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Mini Post: Early Honeymoon

September 30, 2014

So, after a good few days of adventuring with my hired hand, Marcurio, I decided to put on the Amulet of Mara and give it a shot.

Marcurio: “Is…is that an Amulet of Mara?”

Me: “Yep. You interested in this fine ass of a booty?”

Marcurio: “…You mean, are you interested in my fine ass booty?”

So then we decided to get married.

 

TESV 2014-07-25 23-44-56-15

 

I’m not going to lie, I’ve married Marcurio before. I have no idea why I like him so much. Maybe because he fights well? Or maybe it’s because he’s Sass Master 3000, I don’t know. Marrying anyone else at this point just feels kinda wrong…

So basically, because I’m an idiot I accepted the marriage quest, but I had nothing to wear besides some shitty Elven armor I found. I decided to go shopping really quick in Solitude, grab some nice fancy ass clothes from Radiant Raiment, because why the fuck not? Of course, I easily got sidetracked.

“Oooh! A circlet with +15% archery!! GOTTA GET DAT SHIT!!”

…Then I ran out of money, but that problem is easily solved by more robbery.

Finally, I bought some shitty fancy clothes for myself, and got an outfit for Marcurio. I have the mod “Amazing Follower Tweaks” or something along that line, so I tried to set Marcurio’s city wear to the nice clothes instead of his usual mage’s robes. Well…that ended up being completely unsuccessful, so I just eventually said “fuck it!” and went to go meet him at the chapel the next day.

 

TESV 2014-07-25 23-51-49-64

 

The saddest part is, as I walked in to the Temple of Mara…I had two guests. JUST TWO. ONE OF WHOM I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW. Of course Lydia was there, but as I walked up the altar was I was wondering who the fuck this other guy was the entire time.

What a lonely life.

But whatever, the important thing I was getting married!

Seriously, who the fuck is this guy? The stable hand from Whiterun? I don't know.

Seriously, who the fuck is this guy? The stable hand from Whiterun? I don’t know.

Blah blah, Priest goes through the speech. Marcurio’s staring at my beautifulness of course.

Then it’s time to exchange vows.

TESV 2014-07-25 23-52-34-85

Awww. ❤

Then, it was my turn. And at last, we’ll be married.

Priest; “Do you agree to be bound together, in love, now and forever?”

Hell yeah. Of course. I DO!!

TESV 2014-07-25 23-52-46-06

Um.

Uh.

Excuse me, Marcurio.

…Did…did you just unlock an achievement with your penis?!

 

TESV 2014-07-25 23-52-59-08

Uh, thanks?

…I just found out my husband is a exhibitionist. Oh shit–

TESV 2014-07-25 23-53-02-69

 

Goddamn it, I know wearing armor and battle clothing is taxing after a hard day’s work, but could you wait until we left the temple before we started the honeymoon!?

Marcurio: (walks out of the Temple shameless, in all his glory).

You know what? Fuck it.

If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.

Me: (takes off all my clothes and follows after my naked husband)

Guard:  “Gonna cold tonight, you should at least cover your delicates. Might get a bit nippley.”

…Shit.

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Top 10 Glitches of Skyrim

July 31, 2013

Here’s a list of my top 10 weird Skyrim glitches, in no particular order. If you’re a player of this game, I’m sure you’ve encountered at least one of them before!

Click each header for video examples (when available)!

Backwards Dragon

omg-is-that-a-backwards-flying-dragon-in-skyrim

Out of all of the glitches on this list, I think this is probably the most infamous one of all. Back around Skyrim’s launch, a lot users reported having dragons flying backwards or just spinning around. Unfortunately, I never got to experience the backwards flying weirdness, but I did get a lot of spinning dragons that disappear into the sky, or swallowed up into mountains.

Sabertooth Cat/Spinning Creatures

sabertooth

This glitch is pretty much like above, except with dead animals or people perhaps being possessed by some supernatural force and throw into the sky. The video linked is probably the funniest example I’ve seen by far. I’ve only had spinning dragons, unfortunately, including Paarthurnax and an Elder dragon.

Naked NPCs

tumblr_lvc3o30ULt1r7n07lo1_500

“Nope, sorry. Nothing.”
You mean your clothes?
(Image Credit: skyrimglitches.tumblr.com)

And no, I’m not talking about completely naked ass and tits. There’s plenty of mods for that.

My sister, who doesn’t play Skyrim much told me once she was exploring around Winterhold, saw three naked men come over the horizon. What. I swear Nords must never feel the cold, but their nipples must be forever rock hard, wow. Marcurio pulled the same stunt on me, running up behind me with nothing but a dragon priest mask on.

Me: “OH BY THE DIVINES MARCURIO YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME! …Wait, why are you naked? WHERE IS ALL THE SHIT I GAVE YOU?”

Marcurio: “I AM AN APPRENTICE WIZARD, NOT A PACK MULE!”

Me: “DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD DROP ALL MY SHIT, JACK ASS!”

And then there’s the naked courier, they bring you the fan mail…and the fan service. Where does he pull the letters from? From between his butt cheeks, of course!

Secret Chests AKA “Do Not Delete”

(Image Credit: twiz60 @ SkyrimNexus)

(Image Credit: twiz60 @ SkyrimNexus)

More of an exploit than a glitch. Apparently if you carry a plate or other kind of object and run at certain walls in just the right angles you can break into a secret room, sparsely decorated sans chest in the middle of the floor. There’s a few more things that involve some weird glitching out to get to, apparently they’re merchant chests used by the developers and not meant to be reachable by normal means.

Moving Mannequins

Image Credit: The Elder Scrolls Wiki

(Image Credit: The Elder Scrolls Wiki)

Probably the creepiest of the bunch, is the moving mannequins in Riften. If you bought Honeyside and been in the cellar, you’ve probably experienced it before. If you leave the house and come back, the mannequins tend to move on their own and reappear in odd places, almost like someone broke in and moved them or they have some sort of life of their own…

Back from the Dead

"I'm back from the dead and you still haven't proven your puny ass yet, whelp." (Image Source: UESP Wiki)

“I’m back from the dead and you still haven’t proven your puny ass yet, whelp.”
(Image Source: UESP Wiki)

Skjor is most infamous of all for this glitch. If you’ve done the Companions story, you know he dies near the beginning of the quest line. Problem is…he doesn’t seem to stay dead. You can usually find him wandering Skyrim with various members of the Companions, like nothing happened to him at all. For me, when he came back to life he moved by lying face down and sliding along the ground. Probably one of the strangest (and amusing) glitches I’ve ever encountered.

Facelessness

I’ve never encountered this glitch but apparently you can trigger it by donning the arch mage robes and wearing a dragon priest mask. Not exactly game breaking, but amusing none the less. If you’re on PC, a simple google search should yield you a fix if it bothers you that much.

Swimming in the Air

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Sometimes, when you get tired of trekking around Skyrim on foot or horse…you just gotta try something new. How about swimming, on land? Apparently the swimming animation can trigger randomly, usually around bodies of water. I’ve encountered this glitch myself, but in my case, while amusing it was actually quite helpful!

Lydia’s Favourite Chair

"Tell him to get the fuck outta my chair!"

“Tell him to get the fuck outta my chair!”

I’m not quite sure if they patched this recently (probably), but this glitch annoyed me so much that I moved out of Whiterun just because I was so tired of Lydia’s “Welcome back, my Thane” while she ate bread and watched me sleep. Excuse me, don’t you have your own damn room?! WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS IN THAT CHAIR?! IT’S SO GODDAMN CREEPY!

Spinning Horse & Cart

A glitch on this list that’s actually game breaking, but still hilarious to see. Too bad it happens so early in the game you don’t even get to play. It was quickly patched soon after launch, but this video sums it up pretty well. I still laugh every time.

Special Mentions

Horse tricks – Random encounters of people standing on horses.
Falling through the floor – It happens.
Disappearing houses.
Missing textures.
Glowing eyes – Super annoying in first person, it’s a permanent glitch encountered occasionally after using Aura Whisper. Not sure if it ever got patched, hope it did.
NPCs ignoring you and not triggering missions. – Super annoying, usually fixable by loading an earlier save, or killing an enemy nearby.
Enemies not attacking you, even when you’re right in front of them.
Water hates you – PS3 players, you no doubt remember this. Everytime you entered a body of water, the game crashed.
Shadowmere/Frost/Horses disappearing.
Louis Letrush duplicating himself just outside of Whiterun.
Getting stuck in unusual places. – It happens, especially on rocky terrain. Usually you need to reload an earlier save!

There’s plenty more glitches in Skyrim, after all, this is a Bethesda game, but these are the ones that stood out most to me. Let me know in the comments which ones you’ve experienced, and which are your favourites! 🙂

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Mini Post: Where the Hell Are You Going?!

February 28, 2013

So it’s not much of a secret I haven’t been playing much Skyrim lately, or Oblivion for that matter, so I’ve been a bit dry on updates here.

Well, I got one.

It’s not a big one but it’s a post.

I recently picked up Oblivion again for a bit, hoping to familiarize myself with the controls so I could start seriously playing again. I found myself in the arcane tower in Imperial City, having no idea what quest I was on and why I was there.

Basically, I ended up leaving the city, grabbed my horse and road off to the south. What was supposed to be a scenic adventure didn’t last long.

I was first ambushed by a spriggan. Fine, kill that. Then immediately afterward I got punched in the face by a frost atronach, conjured by some asshole hobo wizard. I awkwardly whipped out my sword, hit him half a million times (my demon horse did all the work of course), and cried triumphantly as I killed him, got some frost salts and waited for my health to slowly regenerate from my state of near-death.

Phew. I am such a tough ass warrior chick. Kicking ass.

“Oh, there you are! It’s time to go into the Imperial Castle! Follow me!”

What?

I turn around it’s a redguard that I don’t even remember holding a torch and beckoning me to follow. What quest is he from?!

“Who the hell are you again?!” I asked by he ignored me obviously, again beckoned me to follow and set off along his merry way back to where I just came from.

Alright. Guess I’m going this way.

I ran up to him to catch up (it was like three steps, really) and followed him.

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…He walks about 10 steps a minute.

What the fuck.

Getting impatient, I jump on my horse and ride ahead slightly, thinking it might be like Skyrim and the NPCs will just catch up to you. I mean, I’m going the right direction anyway, I didn’t get very fair from Imperial City, so it’s not like I didn’t know the way back.

About a minute into riding, I turn around and wait for him to catch up.

He never showed up.

I began riding back and he’s FUCKING STANDING WHERE I LEFT HIM MOTIONING ME TO FOLLOW. I go behind him and suddenly he starts walking again.

It was then I realized I had to stay RIGHT BEHIND HIM THE WHOLE DAMN WAY BACK.

Great.

So, basically what I did is set the auto-walk on Oblivion, and loosely held the mouse in place as I ate some cookies.

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DON’T YOU FUCKING BECKON ME, ASSHOLE!

IT TOOK 20 MINUTES TO GET BACK TO THE CITY.

So, we get in the city and guess what?

We’re still walking as slow as dicks.

Goddamn.

“C’mon, this way!”

Holy shit.

To be honest I don’t even know where we ended up. I eventually got bored wasting my one hour of gaming time waiting for this ass to get lost and troll me stupid.

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THE EVENTS OF SKYRIM WILL HAPPEN BEFORE WE GET THERE.

Honestly riding with Martin and his lackey took much less time. At least it was interesting.

In Skyrim they don’t really have this issue, you can leave the NPC behind, get to the destination before them and they’ll haul ass just to catch up to you.

Unless you’re Irileth, Jarl Balgruuf’s housecarl, who tends to run off in a completely different direction than the tower you’re supposed to be killing your first dragon at, the five guards all behind her blindly following before turning a 180 and running back in the right direction. I mean, WTF?

And seriously, what IS up with people in Skyrim saying half a sentence before exciting or entering a building and leaving you hanging?

“Not many visitors here in Riv–” (disappears through door)

Funny though. At least they don’t waste any time.