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Hitting a Tree in the Balls and & other Dark Souls 3 Misadventures

November 30, 2016

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So I’ve returned to the world of Dark Souls (rather…reluctantly…kind of put it off a few times…heh). My friends had recently gotten me to play it at their house (the friend in particular that got me back into it is on his third playthrough…wow). Ironically, it’s the same friend who I made get into Dark Souls, so guess everything comes full circle.

Let me start off by saying I’ve only ever completed the first Dark Souls. It took a few false starts (as a lot of other games I have a hard time getting into), but once I did get started on my first real, serious playthrough–I was hooked. Finished the game in about a month, after a zillion deaths and moments of rage (I’m looking at you Orinstein & Smough, &$5@#~!), but it was beautiful. It was exciting. And boy did it give you that amazing high once you killed a particularly difficult enemy (which is about 90% of them, let’s be honest here).

Moving onto Dark Souls II, of which I tried at my boyfriend’s house… I wasn’t that captured. Maybe the interest waned because it I lost the experience of being my first Souls game…but it didn’t really draw me in, even after two hours of playing and fighting two bosses. It just looked kinda…meh. It probably got better as it went…but to me it just wasn’t that interesting.

And then back to Dark Souls 3. Geez you load up the game and the first five minutes already bring back nostalgia for the first game. Everything’s extremely similar in terms of feel–it just feels right compared to 2. Now of course I didn’t get too far my first time, I had long forgotten the controls and was complete ass (and at the time had gotten into a gaming funk). Beat the first two bosses, but didn’t progress further than that. Fast forward a few months later sitting at a friend’s house when he suddenly shoves a PS4 controller in my hands and loads up 3 on his PC. Guess we’re going in boys.

Again, I struggle with the controls. I pop Estus with a full health bar, I can’t fucking jump or kick for shit, the usual struggles. I also spam roll dodge which of course is a good thing to do–when you have good timing. I don’t. I proceed to die to the starter boss about ten times. Maybe being a knight wasn’t the best idea, though I thought maybe I could tank some more hits. Wrong. Maybe ranged was more my style. Oh fucking well. Git gud scrub, I tell myself.

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From this…

Eventually I beat the first boss, some badass who cockblocks me from getting the cool ass sword he held in his statue-esque hands (why on earth would my character think pulling a sword from a statue of a knight would ever lead to anything good is beyond me).

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…To this.

He then turns into a freak of nature swinging at me with an arm bigger than Gregg Valentino (sans explosion). Despite getting my ass handed to me I finally strike him down like a bamf (that time), and light my first bonfire. Woo! Rest at that shit, get Embered as fuck (I’m literally a burning person). I go into the new Firelink Shrine, meet my waifu (“Touch the darkness within me~”), and I’m off again.

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Waifu Souls 3

This time I’m in a rundown city with a million undead fucks waving lanterns and screaming for more undead fucks so I can basically get ganked up the asshole, which I do. There’s also some knights reminiscent to my old assholes friends, the Silver Knights. Fuck those guys, parrying my slow ass. Also fuck the giant executioner guy who chased me up the ledge despite being a fat fuck. The second play I just dodged his ass but he’s still really scary. ;__;

Finally, after getting destroyed by undead dogs for the millionth time I make it to the second boss, which, by reputation is notoriously easy as all you have to do is get under his belly and hit his frosty nutsack (apparently an ongoing theme in this game, as I demonstrate at the next boss). Of course I fail at this and get frostbitten 3 times and run over. God fucking damn it all. Eventually, perseverance prevails (?), and I kill him after a million facepalms from my audience.

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Off to the next area!

Undead settlement.

…So remember barely a paragraph ago how I hated the knights? Knights are baby kittens compared to these monstrosities.

Scary ass bible-thumping giant ladies complete with deadly hugs and ojou-sama laughs. They kind of remind me of Yubaba from Spirited Away, to be honest. Anyway, they’re kind of fucking nasty. They shoot curses at you then try to embrace you with their fiery hugs as they scream “OH HOOOHOO”. Please god no. I mean I don’t even need to tell you how many times these ladies killed me by smothering me into their ginormous tits. Either way, I stayed the fuck away from them.

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NO I DON’T WANT A HUG WHILE YOU TELL ME ABOUT JESUS

Eventually I get to a tall ass tower where I meet…a familiar friend! Except…he’s not the same person, but he’s still an onion, and he’s still a bro. For some reason he can’t figure out the elevator, but I fix it for him, no problem. We then go smack the shit out of a giant demon and it’s all good in the undead hood

Until I have to go smack some giant tree balls.

My friend gives me the advice to farm this tree boss by putting down a summoning sign. I’ve never done this before–my playthrough of the original Dark Souls was offline–so I missed those glorious moments of jolly cooperation and getting fucking stabbed in the back by Giant Dad invaders. I was summoned with another–so it was basically summoner, BigBalls and me, DankMoist. Sounds legit.

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So basically this boss is just a giant ass moldy tree who sleeps in the corner until you smack around his undead friends and gets up and basically tries to sit on you. Oh yeah, and hitting his bark does nothing. You gotta hit him in the balls.

That’s right, you heard me.

But he’s a mutant tree, and his gonads are on his front and back. I have no idea if this is anatomically correct–this is a high fantasy game and this is a fucking moving tree we’re talking about, who am I to judge?

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Balls.

When the giant tree boss drops to about 60% health the floor gives way and we fall into an underground cavern and continue the fight from there. This time he spawns a giant ghost dick-hand or something and swings that while he rolls around basically crushing us to death. So that went well, right?

After dying about 30 times I just leave for a bit, come back fully Embered (3’s equivalent to humanity), summons some bros sand basically beat the shit out of some tree balls. It was close, ran out of Estus/healing cuz I suck at dodging and hooray! Souls!

Of course my work isn’t done here. I gotta rekindle flames and shit so I move onto the next area, ready to fucking die again. But hey, at least I’m progressing…

…Death by death.

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