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Japhet’s Faulty

July 13, 2012

Oh my god is this quest ever glitchy. Geez.

I came across this quest (Rise in the East) by accident, actually. It was just basically a standard game of fetch, help out some guy by getting some proof of these pirates helping someone else, get into a bar fight (always fun), then go on a ship to some god-forsaken freezing block of ice floating in some river, and kill said pirates. Woo.

So basically, when I got off the boat, I was told to go kill a wizard because he was making fog and everyone else is apparently too much of a wuss to go into the fog themselves. Geez, where have I heard this before? 😛

So off I go, Iida or Ilda or whatever her name is, hopping (well…more like sneak rolling) over some ice blocks to get to this mysterious island in the fog. Woo.

When we finally get there, I snipe a Blood Horker (the pirates) and all hell breaks loose.

“O-DAH-VIING!” I scream as I promptly get a fireball in the face.

Odahviing did not come.

What.

The.

Fuck?

I respawned, and tried again. I got close enough to actually get ONTO the island…but I couldn’t. I couldn’t find a way up. What?

Then I took a fireball to the face.

GODDAMN MAGES URGGH.

New plan!

Swim around the island…maybe there’s a back entrance or something?

So as I’m swimming…I change the camera angle below myself…just looking around, doing what a swimming Dovahkiin does…

…Then I realize I need to come up for air…

So I swim up.

And up.

And up.

And even higher up.

Above the water.

Above the shore.

Almost to the top of the mountain.

…Wait, what?!

I look down below me as I’m floating in invisi-water, and see the shore below.

HOW AM I SWIMMING?!

I’M SWIMMING IN MID-AIR, WHAT.

Like this, only in like…a crapper, more annoying location.

Oh, Skyrim, you.

Taking full advantage of this, I use it to swim around to this ledge behind the fortress on the island. I sneak on.

Sneak, sneak.

FUCKING MAGE APPEARS, FUCK.

“O-DAH-VIING!!”

No Odahviing.

GODDAMN IT, YOU STUPID FLYING RED DRAGON, WHERE ARE YOU?!

I die.

This goes on several more times, with me using the swimming glitch, until somehow, magically, I manage to FUS-RO-DAH! that goddamn fucking mage off the cliff. The rest of the bandits went down pretty easy.

Until I came across one swimming.

SWIMMING IN THE AIR.

IN FRONT OF ME.

I stepped in front of her, confused.

I start swimming, too.

Having a better idea, I back away and hit her in the head with my Daedric Battleaxe.

That was easy.

Then I swim away to the tower.

Swimming in the air…

~~

Fast forward to the end of the mission, I’m getting bombarded by fireballs.

“FUCK–” (KABOOM) “–WHERE THE HELL–” (BOOM) “ARE THESE GODDAMN FIREBALLS–” (BOOOM) “–COMING FROM?!” I go back to the captain of the ship who brought me here.

“Sorry about the fireballs, gotta make sure all the bandits are dead. Hope you didn’t get hit by any. We wanna destroy this island.”

COULDN’T YOU HAVE FUCKING WAITED UNTIL I GOT BACK TO THE BOAT? I HELPED YOU GUYS.

NPC LOGIC RIGHT THERE, FOLKS.

And then I only get paid $1500 for doing this mission.

POCKET CHANGE.

Oh well, another (glitchy) quest bites the dust.

Even though I was the one eating fireballs.

(Image Credits: UESP Wiki, Unknown)

(Can you tell I haven’t been very inspired to write lately? :P)

(EDIT: Oh, apparently if you fast-travel back to Japhet’s Folly, you get stuck there, just like if you return to Misty Grove in the quest A Night To Remember. Fix this, Bethesda!! …I might have missed something. XP)

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One comment

  1. Inspired or not it was still funnier than what I write. LOL



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